Dear Mom,

It’s been a really long time since you visited me last and I just wanted to make sure you are okay. I miss you. Ms. Coral, the caseworker, says that you were supposed to come two days ago and have a visit with me and you never did. I waited for what seemed forever, for you to come. You never did. Ms. Crystal, the transfer driver,  made me go home after that. Why didn’t you come, mom? Ms. Coral says if you miss one more visit then we can’t have any more visits. I hope next time you can come… if you want Unakite can come too. I have to go now, I love you so much mom. I really hope to see you again. I love you.

Love, Ruby

Dear Diary,

I just wish my mom would choose me for once. She never chooses me it seems. It’s always Unakite and the other bad people and drugs. It’s almost my birthday and I haven’t seen my mom in over a year and that’s all I want, is to see her, for my birthday. Mr. Malachite, my new caseworker, says that all she has to do is pass ONE drug test. Is it really going to be that hard? I thought having me out of there would be helpful for her because she wouldn’t have another stress but it’s not. 😦 I even offered to pay my mom’s fee for the drug test-she still refuses. WHY? It makes no sense. Once again she chooses them, OVER me…anyways, I’m going to sleep. My birthday is in 10 days… I will let you know what happens.

Love Ruby

Dear Diary,

It’s been a month since my birthday. I don’t really know what to say other than I can’t believe my mom could forget my birthday. I can’t believe she didn’t even bother to call. And she missed out visit, again. Oh well. My birthday was fine… the typical foster care birthday… YUCK! I hope my mom is okay, I really miss her. I know that she loves me but that the drugs make her worse. I don’t know why she likes Unakite so much but I have told her a million times that he is welcome to come…. not even that doesn’t help. Oh well… I love her and that’s all that matters. Maybe next year she will pull through and come see me. I miss her so much.

Love Ruby

The first entry is a letter that I wrote to my mom and the second and third are entries taken out of my journal from years ago… I decided to add these to my blog, and this post in general, mostly to help adoptive and foster parents–or any non-bio parent–realize that no matter what, a kid will ALWAYS have an internal bind or connection with his or her parents, typically the mother. I believe, and research has been done, that during the first nine months while a child is maturing inside his or her mother’s womb a bond is being inevitably created. Then of course the baby shares anything and everything that the mother intakes  from conception until shortly after birth and sometimes thereafter. I think this explains why even those who are adopted straight from birth are sometimes hesitant in their own family and some find it a necessity to search for his or her “missing” parent/parents. There is an indefinite bond secured in place, between your child and his/her mother, by a short time period in which you have NO control over. For those of you that are religious, imagine your child’s bond as yours with whatever higher being you worship. Imagine your bond with your Heavenly Father or Mother… that you have never met in the flesh and blood, here on Earth, but you seem to have a strong connection or bond to. You confide in him/her, you trust in him/her, you lean on him/her, etc. Now take that and place that bond between your child and his/her mother. Does it seem so wrong now, that your child feels such a desire to connect with the one person that  “gave him/her up”? It’s a bond that is, forever, UNBREAKABLE.  I wasn’t separated, completely, from my mom until I was in my younger teen years. My mom did horrendous things to me… she let others do horrendous things to me, she chose other people and worldly things over me… and still to this day, as a young adult, I feel the need to connect with her at some level. Even in the higher, more stable, times in my life I yearn for my mom. I find that often in adoption or foster work the caregiver gets a sense of entitlement over the birth mother. I think that this sense of entitlement comes from parenting, essentially. The caregiver is meeting all the child’s needs, or at least doing the best they can at it, while the birth mother is nowhere to be found. In my own experiences I have seen this. I have had foster moms tell me that because of what my mom did to me, it is not right to desire that connection. I have had foster/adoptive parents ensure that because my mom has met almost none of my basic needs since birth, she doesn’t deserve my love or attention or desire for connection but they do because they are the ones who were making sure my needs were met. I think that in any child who is separated from his/her birth mother there will be some form of animosity  towards the “new”/ultimate caregiver. I believe that a lot of times this is done at a subconscious level, hiding as if it were being done consciously. For example, I think one of the biggest things I have seen in Foster/Adoptive homes is often the kid shows a lack of respect for the caregiver thus creating power struggles; the caregiver asks the child to take out the trash or clean the kitchen and the child either ignores the caregiver, says yes but then does not do so, or does it in his or her own timing. This then creates a “power struggle” between caregiver and child. I do believe that a child should respect his/her caregiver, but I also believe it is a reciprocated habit. IF an adult is not respecting the child then the child will reciprocate that disrespect back to the adult. One of the most helpful things for me, as a young adult and when I was a foster kid, was to be acknowledged in the fact that I was desiring a connection and struggling to find it… but also setting a boundary of what is expected. It is a relief to know that I am not expected to have the bond I desire to have with my birth mom, with anyone. I don’t have to have it with any of my fosters, with my adoptive mom, my friends… NO ONE!!! My mom is MY mom and will always be my mom…. my adoptive mom will always be my caregiver and some-what supporter. I don’t believe I will ever have the same connection to her as I do with my mom. “Be willing to accept that you are not entitled to what was not yours to begin with… but that instead you are blessed enough to share in a bond… three ways.”

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