I think the best thing about adoption is the experience. Really!! Maybe it’s because I expected my family to be forever when I went into it but later found out that forever really only means a little while…or maybe it’s because going into it I felt that, just like everything in my life, it was only temporary and thus I treated it as so. Having experienced massive loss over and over, I believe, caused my brain to believe that everything leaves–nothing stays, ever. Still, as a young adult, I experience that. So, I believe the latter of the two is more true for me–instead of going in expecting my family to be forever, at some level I knew they would leave. I think more often than not children who are in the process of being adopted, even infants and toddlers, at some level believe that at some point their new parents will leave, just like their previous. When I think about the word forever, and I often do, it makes me wonder how many other kids have the same thoughts as I, the same worries as I, the same wonders as I. How many children have families that told them that family was forever and that’s what they were going to be-but now they’re not? How many of those children look up the definition of forever in the dictionary or search it on G00g1e just to let their self know that forever means without end. How many children rely on a dictionaries definition to tell them that they are safe in their family, no matter what–forever. Do you ever wonder what forever means? I never knew that when my family told me that they were forever, that I was now a part of a forever family, that forever was only going to be a few short years. I never thought that not even 24 months after being adopted I would be kicked out time and time again…and the repercussions of the kicking out causing me to act out more. Then again, I don’t think anyone really thinks about these kind of things. I don’t believe that when a parents tells their newly adopted child that they are forever in the family, they think it possible that eventually they will ask the child out of the family. It’s not normal… and I really don’t think that most families do take back that promise of forever, thankfully. I don’t think my parents told me I was forever knowing that just a few months later they would tell me that I was no longer wanted. That because I shut myself away rather than open myself up I’m not family material. I am family material..just not their family material. I regret so many of the things I did while living their. I often find myself wishing I would have fought harder to connect rather than letting myself disconnect. I feel like I should have tried harder. But I didn’t… and for that, I am not family material–not their family material. So… for me, forever does not mean without end. I am one of those people who count on the dictionary for affirmation each time a new person tells me that forever is what I am. Would you believe forever meant without end if you lost everything more than once? How many children, like me, were told that they would be someone’s forever and now are finding themselves alone or searching for someone new? Watch your words… children and adults… they come back to haunt you–especially the word forever. If you are one of those parents that promised your kid a forever family but in the end turned your back, please, don’t justify. Just accept. I know that it’s not easy raising kids with trauma. I understand, not fully, the pain that parents carry and the sorrow that follows them from doing so…don’t beat yourself up. Just next time, choose your words differently. EVERYONE….choose your words wisely.

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