I know we all have shame… but what purpose does it serve? Seriously?! Guilt I understand, shame I do not. I don’t know all the answers, and for that I am grateful… but sometimes I wish that it were more simple. Shame is a BIG part of my life. It kinda rules it, honestly. For example, sometimes (most of the time) when I get dysregulated* I become mean…like nasty mean! I give the person closest to me, Diamond, the “cold-shoulder”, the infamous death stare, and am just rude in language. You know, not fun to be around–at all! These times are a cycle for me. Not necessarily because I choose that cycle, but because shame gets ahold of me. I know that what I am doing is not okay. I know that I can do better and I know that I DON’T like to treat people so horribly. Knowing these things disappoints me, in myself. It is no one else’s fault that I am unable to communicate effectively when dysregulated. Because I know that it is no one elses to own I become ashamed of myself. I think it is common in many children/adults who have trauma–to be so full of shame. I don’t know why. I sometimes wonder if it’s because at some level we feel it is our fault that our parents didn’t want us… our fault we weren’t lovable–by them. I think that Shame has something to do with the fact that we were powerless in the decision of losing everything therefore we find some fictitious reason, caused by us, for our family to not want us. That for some reason we did something bad enough for no one in the world to want us at a specific moment; and because of that we carry the burden of everything on our shoulder. Whenever I am in one of my Shame cycles my whole world, literally, comes tumbling down. Because I give Bailey the blunt of all my madness and I am so ashamed in myself I feel that she too is very angry with me. That is one thing shame does to me–Falsifies reality. In reality Diamond is not mad at me. She doesn’t really like my behavior towards her and it sometimes hurts her, but that doesn’t mean she is mad. Seeing her as mad IS how I perceive her at the moment. My best friend, Zhanna, and I have been inseparable since we met. We are like two peas in a pod. It’s great. Though sometimes, when shame creeps in, I feel that she too is mad at me for silly things like not taking out the recyclable’s or not feeding the fish at a certain time. She is not mad at all, and we always work it out right away, but I perceive her as mad. Like I said before, I don’t know the answers–thanks God–but I’m okay with that. It’s through this struggle that I am able to heal. It is feeling the shame but turning it around and letting it go so that I can see the world through what is really there rather than my fictitious reality. It’s hard. It’s really hard! As mentioned above, a lot of times shame does control my life… it’s a great burden yet a wonderful blessing. One day I will understand. One day all of your kids, you or whom ever you are affiliated with, who is affected deeply by shame, will understand. But until then I think it is key to realize that shame does falsify reality, it hinders positive thinking, and is very unproductive! I wish that we didn’t have to feel shame. I think guilt is a plausible trade, no?
Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.
– Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
*dysregulated- impairment of a physiological regulatory mechanism
Another-words unable to get your body all balanced and stuff! 🙂