Acceptance does not mean passivity, however, rather, it is about seeing the situation clearly for what it is, not getting emotional about it, but being pragmatic when we can and doing our best with it.~Claire Montanaro
I think I have discovered one of the keys to happiness. ACCEPTANCE. Though I have not mastered the key of accepting the things thrown my way, or things I have dealt with ever since I can remember, I believe accepting them is the key to me finding happiness. I see in my life that I am often held back by negative thoughts, expecting too much, and fear. These are just the 3 main things right now. It usually takes me getting super exhausted and worn out before I finally reach the bottom of my downward spiral and break down. I do my best to be well composed, even at home, but it’s very tiring and I do break down. I do act out. Out of fear and expectations being unmet. One of the biggest things that I need to accept is that my expectations may not always be met. I have a friend, who is more like an older sister, that I spend a lot time with… I don’t get sick of being at her house because her daughter, son, and I get along so well, most of the time. BUT subconsciously and sometimes consciously I set an expectation for my friend that she is unable to reach–making me a priority higher than she is able to meet. She is super busy and works full-time so I often feel that her job consumes her, and she admits that it does, sometimes… but that leaves little time for other things. Her kids are her top priority–which is understandable–and that is not difficult for me… but sometimes, in my dark times and leading up to my dark days, I expect to be prioritized before her work. That is seemingly impossible. We have covered this before… but there is NOTHING that can be done to fix it. She has expressed her desire to make me a higher priority and how disheartening it is for her that she can’t and now it’s just something that I have to accept–that she is unable to give me more. A few nights ago when we discussed it I felt her sadness as she realized that is part of the reason we have had so many “issues” lately (we have butted heads a lot the last few weeks). She desperately wants to give me more and I NEED her to give me more… but it is not possible because she needs to provide for her family therefore her job will at times consume her. Understandable. We came to the agreement that it’s just something we must accept and decided we would work on accepting it together. Having had many of my own needs unmet growing up I often desire to have them met now, as a young adult, and it becomes really difficult for me when they are unable to be met, again. It’s usually when I start to feel unwanted and unable that the desire to be prioritized higher takes over. I have a desire to be prioritized in order to be affirmed that I am wanted and am able and that need turns into greed. Accepting things different from what I already know or believe is really difficult for me. I am not easily swayed into believing in something that conflicts with my already present belief. For example, when I’m told I am lovable everything inside of me disagrees therefore I don’t allow myself to believe the newfound truth, even though it is the truth. I am stubborn. You could call it selfish, if you will, but it is when I am not in a good place that all things are difficult for me to accept. I become reluctant of everything! To love, to happiness, to positive thoughts, to anything good. I have a hard time allowing myself to be prioritized highly, even though that’s what I so desperately desire, to feel emotions, to trust in others, and to let anyone into my life. So, I feel that if I am able to accept that I am okay, that I am safe, that I am lovable even when not being “center attention” and needy, etc then I will be able to find happiness–and not the false happiness I so often portray. When I am able to think logically, without hesitation, I am able to realize that it will take accepting the things I am so reluctant to accept before I can find any hope in healing and living a happy, non-reluctant, life.