“I don’t want to succeed because if I succeed I am going further than my mom ever did, or will.”

I don’t think too much about my success or what I am going to do with my life… to be quite frank, I have NO idea what I’m going to do with my life and I’m almost 21 years old. Heck, I don’t even know what I am going to do tomorrow. Whenever I think about success or what the future holds if, or when, I heal I am engulfed with a great amount of overwhelm. I feel like my world is tumbling and there is nothing to do… when I think of success my brain automatically shifts to failure {something I am working to reprogram}. Without failure there is no success… however, I often feel that I have failed in many aspects of life. As mentioned before, I am nearly 21 years old and have no clue what my future holds. I am 21 in numerical age… but none of ME really represents that number. I do not match the “typical” 21-year-old developmental marks. Instead, I am much younger in most aspects as well as older in a few others. I am able to perform adult responsibilities like paying the bills, maintaining a job, keeping the house clean, and cooking at a higher level than most 21 year olds because it is a way of survival. In all other aspects, though, I am much younger. My growth was stunted by traumatic experiences leaving my physical body at a younger age than it really is. My mentality jumps back and forth between a young child and the responsible adult leaving me either younger or older than 21, and my emotional age… well lets just say I’m still way down at about 2-4 years old sometimes. I don’t know how to express my emotions, most of the time, and they often come out wrong, hurtful, or just in a bad behavior because I have not, yet, learned to use my words {which I am working on, slowly}. I tend to get worked up when I start to think of the marks that I haven’t quite met and that is where I find so much sadness in my success’. However, I am successful! I am and will always be, until the day I die–because I am choosing to be. I am successful because I lived over half my life with physical, mental, emotional, and sexual abuse and still function at a reasonable level. I am successful because I have found it within me to forgive those who have hurt me the most and those that were supposed to love me but didn’t. I am successful because I decided not to let my past grab ahold of my hand and drag me back down that road. I am successful because I graduated high school and continued on to college. I am successful because I was able to seek help on my own in my darkest times. I am successful because I am working as “top gun” at a job I barely started. I am successful because I continue to fight, every day of my life to live and to live well. I don’t do all the things in my life perfectly and I don’t meet all the marks at the right time. I’m a little slower than others and I often see the world differently… but just because I haven’t met others marks, or the worlds marks, doesn’t mean I am unsuccessful. That is when I let the sadness go… and the fear settles. I am afraid to succeed. I have no idea of what my future holds and that scares the ba-jee-bees out of me. To look ahead 5 years from now is nearly impossible for me because looking ahead just 1-2 days is difficult, most of the time. I am afraid of what healing looks like because I have lived practically 21 years in dysfunction and hurt-that makes healing look terrifying. I’ve learned mechanisms for my survival that I am now being asked to let go of, to heal. I don’t know what I will do without all of it. How will I live life not shut down? Life is comfortable, even though it is painful. It’s a love-hate relationship… and hate is strong because hate resonates in fear. I think of my mom and how far she has come in her 40+ years…and it isn’t far. She has come as far is she is able, which is about the age of a teenager mentally and emotionally. She is brilliant and wise… but she lacks the ability to move forward with her life and has decided that life is okay being stuck.That’s perfectly okay. She is perfect just the way she is. But knowing that her success is limited to her ability to move on scares me because I know my success is also limited to my ability to move on and work through things. There is a part of me that doesn’t want to do better with my life than she did hers, though I deserve it, and a part of me that wants to be as successful as Amelia Earhart. I will be successful in my life, though I don’t know what that looks like yet, because I refuse to let myself sink down to my moms level and stay put where I am now just to satisfy her. That would not be fair for me, or her. I deserve to have my success despite any other family members say on it. I will be successful in my timing in everything I choose to do. It kinda bums me out that I will out-do my mom in life… that I will do something more… but at the same time I know that if she was healthy and well, she would want that.

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