Healing hurts. Healing is hard. Healing is the hardest thing I have ever encountered in my life (including my mom giving me away, failed families, and all the abuse). I have not reached the end of the tunnel yet. My road is a long, long road with a very dark tunnel… but I am assured by many that there is a light waiting for me at the end of that tunnel. In that light my life holds ultimate joy, happiness and love. But what are those things? What is joy? What is happy? What is love? I am told that I am living the life of a miserable person, and quite frankly I’d have to agree. I don’t feel miserable. I feel normal–as normal as you can when you live most of your life in and out of yourself. I’ve been on this “healing” journey for 7+ year and each year gets harder and harder. The real healing began about a year ago…prior to that it was more about learning self-control. Each month seems to get harder and harder and lately it seems the days just get harder. I have a friend supporting me in my healing process, a few actually, who is really pushing me and it is hard. It hurts. I don’t really allow myself to feel. I do this to keep myself safe and others at a distance. But healing requires feeling. Though I am working hard and trying to get better I still seem to loop in a negative cycle. My process as of now goes something like this: be “okay” for a few days, work really hard to stay okay, start to get overwhelmed but subconsciously refuse to ask for help, let myself slip further from my body, disappear from reality, my friend “encourages” me to get unstuck, I hurt myself, subconsciously resist every attempt at getting rid of negative thoughts and behaviors, get all the angries and hurts out when my friend reaches her point of tolerance, then I’m okay again. It’s a long process. It’s exhausting and definitely time-consuming. The part that hurts the most, though, is from the point when my friend “encourages” me to get un-stuck until I finally allow myself to feel and get the angries out. I have a cavern of angeries locked deep inside of me that I have set a barrier around. I often don’t allow myself to feel them. When I do start to get the angries and hurts out it feels like the world is going to collapse. I feel as if everything around me is going to shatter and fall…like I have suddenly lost all power of my life and that everything I have I will lose. It’s overwhelming. But I allow myself to work through it whether it takes a few minutes, hours, or days. I always get past it. Each cycle has its own alloted time slot that it fits perfectly into. The less stressful and overwhelming life is the longer the “okay” stage lasts. The more anyone tries to love me the quicker the process changes from okay to slipping further from my body. A lot of the time I have a lot of resistance towards healing. I have a fear of healing. Not just a fear…a nightmare. I feel as if I will die when I am healed. It’s not just a slight sense of discomfort. It’s a fear so deep that I lose my breath and start to have major anxiety issues. So at a subconscious level I decide to stay stuck…no matter how hard I fight consciously. Which sucks..,because I don’t have the choice to take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back. I sometimes believe that had I been given the opportunity to heal at a younger age it would have happened quicker and at an even pace. As an adult I don’t have the option of keeping it slow, I have to heal and improve myself to be okay in life. It’s not okay to live life dissociated all of the time. But to live a life outside of dissociation is painful. I am required to face all of my fears, pains, angers, and unfairness. I have to take this healing process on like a freight train and wreck right through all the barriers holding me from healing. I have to do this because if I don’t, I don’t think I will ever get better. Do I want to get better? YES!!! Do I want to die…no! Do I want to go through the process of healing? NO WAY!!! Because it is painful. It hurts. But I am. Now would be the perfect time for one of those magical wands that therapists refer to when talking about erasing the past! Healing = a LONG , LONG journey!