As is traditional, I am going to start out with what I am thankful for. This month I am thankful for all the trials that I have faced and for the people I have in my life now. I know without all of that I would not be who I am. But the thing I am most grateful for is my mom, my real mom, and the love she holds for me regardless of her addictions and bad habits. Recently, while digging through a few files I came across a letter from her, from when I was in foster care, and it made me realize how much I missed during that time in my life. Everything in me believed that my mom hated me….I didn’t have any reason to believe otherwise. She chose drugs and men over me, her own flesh and blood. I believed that she was doing it to spite me and to ruin my life further than I felt she already had. I knew that where I was, away from her, I was better off. What I failed to realize is that though my mom couldn’t even walk a straight line or hold a job, because she was so high, somewhere deep down she held a place in her heart for me. I want to share the letter that I found, not because I am entirely fond of disclosing my moms deep dark secrets but to show that a mothers love outweighs the bad things…even if the actions disagree. So here goes:
Hey Baby, we (s.dad & I) got all of you kids gifts before he went up. We even got Aunt and her kids something small. Yours had to be taken back and traded for what you got. A little birdie told me you couldn’t have what we got at first. I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since the day I saw you at the grocery. We have taken b-day cards, letters, and have also called to see if we could meet with you, to see you, talk to you, and to see if you’ve wanted maybe to go to the movies or get a burger with us. We’re always told that they would call us back and never did or said you weren’t ready, yet, to see us or even just me. I even offered to go to H&W* to do visits along with doing drug tests. S.dad was doing UA’s* for probation and parole. As for him beating me up…There’s a big difference between beating me up and pushing me around. He never once hit me and the only times he ever pushed me around is when he was high with no sleep for days. But granted that still wasn’t an excuse. Meth is an evil drug and for someone with mental disorders it’s even worse. He is not a bad man the drugs made him make bad choices and all my good times outweigh the bad. I wont leave him, he is my soul mate and when he is sober […] he treats me like a queen. I’m sorry you feel the way you do about him now. Especially when I know how close you two used to be and how much he still loves you. I only hope one day you can or will find it in your heart to forgive both of us and give us a second chance for the bullshit we put you all through and how sorry we are. We can’t change the past, all we can do is work on the future and move forward. I don’t get the paper nor did I hear about your article, but I will see if I can find it on the internet so I can have a copy. You can’t even imagine how happy it makes me to hear your do so good. We are both very proud of the fact you are president of a drug awareness program. Who, if not you, has seen the effects and cause of them first hand. I guess one good thing came out of it. I don’t ever have to worry about you doing them. And as for school, we always told you, you can do what ever you set your mind and heart on doing and follow your dreams and they will happen. that’s what the charm was for, to remind you of that. The other charm we got fits really well to apparently you’re not just a special daughter to me, but to your adoptive family as well. We will always be here for you and loving you always, no matter what, baby. You will always be my baby and little girl. No matter the choices you make. We never stopped loving you and never will. I know you don’t believe me and hope someday you will. I will no matter what NEVER NOT LOVE YOU!!! I will always love you regardless!! I will always miss you. Hey babe if you ever get a chance please listen to that song, “My Wish” by Rascall Flatts. That is our song to you. The first time we heard it you are who we thought of and when we hear it, it’s what we refer to as “Ruby’s song”. Well babe I’ll let you find something else to do so you’re not bored. Please write me back even if you’re mad at me. I understand. I don’t know how to put everything on paper to tell you how I feel other than I’ll always love you and be here when you want or need me.
Love you eternally, beyond eternity
This was from years ago…and though I have been through a LOT with my mom since this time I still believe she holds this love for me. I know that she is not the happiest with me…and in all honesty, I’m okay with that because love doesn’t always mean being happy with the person you love. There are times when I hate her…I mean really hate her but that’s okay because I know she would understand. She “gets” me and hasn’t even been with me for half of my life. We are just alike. Just this letter alone is enough for me, now, to see that despite her biggest flaw she still loves me she just isn’t strong enough to love me through actions. This one letter is one of my most prized possessions. My mom will love me, unconditionally, no matter what…something not even my adoptive parents can or have done. For that I’m thankful. I am thankful, in this moment, that I was able to know my mom and really get to know her before I was taken away and adopted out. I am thankful that even though she put me through hell in my first half of life she also taught me some of my greatest lessons. Lessons in empathy, sympathy, unconditional love, and forgiveness. She gave to me some of my greatest attributes. I have forgiven her and my stepdad and really all the other bad people…and so to her I say the same… “I will always love you, NO MATTER WHAT, no matter the choices you make.”