I hate what you’ve done. You’ve screwed so many things up. I’m 20 years old and I am tired of life. Everyday I wonder if its better to continue on this journey or to end it. 20 years ago what were you thinking? Did you know you were incapable of mothering three children? You must have…you already had two. When you chose not to meet my needs, and my siblings, did you realize how stunted we would be in our futures? Did you realize, that at 20, I would still need someone to tuck me into bed at night and kiss my head goodnight? That I’d need someone to lay beside me until I fall fast asleep? Or that I would still need someone to cuddle up to me when I get hurt, sooth my fears, and tell me that everything will be okay. Did you realize that working six hours a day would completely destroy me and my ability to function. That I wouldn’t be able to talk to someone new without being overwhelmed. When you took drugs for the first time did you realize that you would go far off the beaten path? Why didn’t you give me up then, mom? Did you not realize that 20 years later I would still need to play in the sand-box and with barbies, with play doh and dollies? That my favorite thing to do would be running around a field chasing lizards and butterflies or giggling at silly cartoons. Did you realize how stunted my growth would be? Did you realize that emotionally and mentally I’d be far behind my classmates? Why did you keep me? Did you fear that I’d be angry? Did you realize that every day of my life would be a battle…that I’d have to fight to live? Did you realize that I’d have to work double time just to stay at a functionally appropriate behavior level. Mom, what were you thinking? Did you know when you gave me away that I’d have 4 adoptions fall through!! That’s FOUR families mom! Did you realize that I’d try replacing you so that void could be filled? Did you think that I’d be okay with you giving up? Did you think that I would need you less after 12-13 years than I did when I was born? No, I needed you more…because you weren’t there? Where were you? Why did you think it was okay? Why can’t you see now what you’ve done? I might sound selfish… but you were the selfish one! You are the one who chose to keep me knowing you couldn’t properly care for me. You were the one who failed to take care of me and meet my needs and you didn’t stop to think about any of the after effects of your actions. Now, I am paying the price and so are your other kids. You are the one who left…and never came back!
Call me selfish in this letter, if you please, it is up to you to decide…however, I feel that I am not being selfish! I have had to deal with the fallout of my mom’s choices for 20 years. I am stunted because of it. I am behind. I am not normal…and on days like today, I don’t know what to do. I am 20 years old and have no mom. I never will! But there is still a void in me that needs to be filled. I still have needs that have yet to be met and that I am incapable of meeting. It’s frustrating for me. I don’t want a mom…I’ve had 5 mom’s fail on me. Yes, five moms! I struggle with this…knowing that my needs will go unmet. I work to meet them myself but as hard as I try they still go unmet. I can’t tuck myself into bed at night and kiss myself on the forehead and tell myself how great it is to have me around. Have you tried it? It doesn’t work! I can’t exactly cuddle myself either...or lay beside myself until I fall asleep ? There are just things that a child cannot do for herself in which a parent, typically a mother, is supposed to do for her. The problem with this is that even though I am able to function at a basic level and make it though the day in a mild social situation, I collapse as soon as I get home. I am unable to function, healthily, in a home setting. Unfortunately, not only am I getting the fallout of this, but so is my sister. She is older than I so she kind of assumes the motherly role; most of the time, anyway. I don’t mean to put her in this role or place this role on her…but I don’t know where else to place it…and honestly, most of the time I don’t realize I have done it. I don’t realize how taxing my needs are because I have always had them and they have always been gigantic compared to those who had them met as a child. It’s hard on our relationship, though, because she sees those needs going unmet and sometimes she can’t meet them and that is hard on me, and her. The hardest part is that the times she is unable to meet my needs become my most stressful and overwhelming times and I start to lose functioning abilities. I lose touch with reality and return, fully, to my safe little dissociated world. I have lived my life dissociated for longer than I can remember so, coming out of the dissociation is hard…and to be out, alone, is almost unbearable. I don’t want her to be my mom; I don’t expect her to be my mom, but a big part of me needs her to be my mom and meet my needs…and this is where I turn to my mom, in frustration and disappointment, and wonder what she was thinking and why she made the choices she did.