After living with their dysfunctional behavior for so many years (a sunk cost if there ever was one), people become invested in defending dysfunctions rather than changing them. ~Marshall Goldsmith

Tonight, I miss the dysfunction! I miss my dysfunctional family. I miss my dysfunctional school life. I miss being picked on in school. I miss being hit for no reason other than for someone to release their anger {angries}. I miss my Hispanic foster parents. I miss my dysfunctional mom. I miss all of my dysfunctional adoptive families. Tonight…I miss the chaos. Chaos and destruction = love and connection and tonight, I feel as though I couldn’t miss it more!  Tonight, more than others, I want to scream and throw a fit…you know, like a two-year old does. Tonight I want to hurt someone for the sake of releasing my {angries}, just like a toddler does. I want to kick and thrash just like a child. I feel like being defiant and rude! Tonight, I don’t know what to do. I miss it all…all of the things that are so wrong to miss. I have a wonderful life right now. I have a network of friends that love me, I have a fantastic job, I have the best friend that anyone could ask for, and I have unconditional love…but it doesn’t really seem to appeal to me.  Tonight, I don’t want any of it…I want the dysfunction. I want the chaos. Luckily, in tonight’s case, my friend can get pretty aggressive when she is stressed and I am an “easy” target because it becomes more of a wrestling game for the both of us. Head to head. But it’s not enough…tonight, I crave it full force. I crave it more than anything I have ever craved before. I want my mom, who, at the moment, hates me. I miss my siblings, who refuse to speak to me. I crave the unbearable, snide remarks from my classmates. Why? I’m not sure…but probably because I have a hard time being okay with who I am…therefore, just as a bully inflicts pain on his “prey”, I must inflict it upon myself. Also because I grew up with it for 95% of my life and am still in the process of getting used to this “new” life of healing and happiness. It only makes sense in my head though that there is a part of me that is not okay and I am filling it with things that don’t belong there, but are familiar. There is a part of me that is insecure and looking for validation and in the event it doesn’t receive it, it turns to the old habits of validation, which are not good. I don’t know how to fill it, or what to fill it with and filling it with dysfunction and chaos is comfortable. I miss the comfort of dysfunction. I miss the predictability of dysfunction…or whatever it was that allowed me to believe that it was predictable. I miss the comfort of my mom coming home completely hopped up on meth or the predictability of being beat during her withdrawal. What makes that so comforting? What makes my old life of dysfunction so much more appealing and more comfortable than a life of  happiness and love. I’m not sure. I don’t have the answer…but I predict that it is because of the love that was associated with it. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that the love associated with it–with the dysfunction–is not love, not at all, but it came from the people who were meant to love me. It came from my mom, from my dad, my brothers, my sisters, my fosters, and all of my prospective moms; the most influential being my mom. Love from her is something I so desired, and often still do. Her hitting me, or allowing “her” men to do things to me, was a sign to me that she loved me. Her snide remarks ensuring that I believe myself to be a B**** or a Wh*re also instilled in me that she loved me. I was a child. I was young and naïve. But it still felt like love. It was the only validation I had. Today, as I struggled to stay connected, I sought validation from everyone I encountered. I’m used to being connected to certain people in my life…and when that connection has disappeared I don’t know how to handle it. It’s in those times that I am most likely to seek validation. It is in those times that I find myself missing the dysfunction, because I feel I have no connection. It happens in the midst of connection as well…which makes life a bit sticky because the connection is there but I feel so undeserving and return back to the need for chaos and dysfunction. When I am in the midst of connection I feel the need for dysfunction as well because I can’t stand the connection. It’s as if I’m in a lose-lose situation. I want connection to the point that when I don’t have it {with the certain few I allow it with} I feel like I need chaos and destruction to fill the void, which then allows me to feel loved. However, when I do have connection with those select few I, again, feel the need for chaos and destruction to get rid of the connection because the connection is too scary. See what I mean? No balance! But there are times, like tonight, when I feel I can’t live without it {the dysfunction}. I feel like the world is going to fall apart and crumble at my feet because things are not going okay…or are going okay. I fear connection because I fear rejection…I fear rejection because I had no connection and chaos ensures that neither of the two will unfold! So…though I know it’s not okay, tonight I will settle with that feeling–without acting upon it…and go to bed! Night, y’all!

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3 thoughts on “Missing Mayhem

  1. I do not have experience of being raised in chaos and trauma but I am the parent of a child who came to us from there. He too seemed to push away at “good” things. I wonder if it is simply the known is a comfort, whether it is horrific or not, it’s what you knew. Maybe because of your history with your mom, you equate chaos and misery with love. Who wouldn’t crave love? Kudos to you for going to sleep and fighting the need to act out on your feelings. Just my opinion. Take care

    1. I think you’re right! When I am doing well, I crave chaos. That is what I grew up knowing love was. I believed that abuse was love…and that is what is comfortable to me. I am known to push and push…and I think at times it is to see if who ever I am pushing will break and the abuse will resume. It hasn’t, but a part of me–I believe–always will. Good point, “the known is a comfort”! So true! Thanks for reading!

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