Tonight, I lost the one piece of my home that didn’t have any negative connections. I knew it would come eventually…but not this soon. Seven months ago I was struggling…I didn’t know what was right, what was wrong, what was up and what was down. I was just…lost. Naturally, I figured out a way to solve my issue and I bought a cute little bunny. I felt horrible for taking her away from her mommy…seriously, no joke! I told my sister numerous times that week that I didn’t understand why it was okay for us, as humans, to separate any animal from their mom and that I felt like a horrible person for taking my cute little gal away from her mommy. I was angry, sad, and all around just confused but I took my job seriously and she became my “baby”. Tonight, as I sit here and think about her, think about my thoughts back then and thoughts now, I understand why kids like me don’t like, or understand, attachment. Because attachment means that there is a possibility of loss, heartbreak, and pain. Attachment means taking a chance at trusting someone to not do the very thing our parents, loved ones, have done to us. Most children that come from a system such as the one I did have already lost more, loved more, and hurt more than the majority of the population…and at such a young age–why risk it again? I see and hear parents with adopted children get so upset because their child is refusing to attach or that their child can make no connection, etc. I remember a while back a parent saying that their child had been with them for numerous years and still there is not a natural or healthy attachment between the mother and child. This makes perfect sense to me. Their child had lost everything. Literally, everything! She had lost her entire family, went to an orphanage, lost all her “brothers and sisters”, her name, her home, her life, everything she knew…all to come to America to live the “American Dream”. After losing all of that, and at such a young age, would you be quick to make attachment? She does have attachment, she is able to make beautiful connections, but she is careful! She keeps her boundaries tight, her world is small, and she limits the people she allows into her little life. Again, would you not do the same? I don’t say this as an attack, but more as a revelation, for me. I’ve always had a really hard time attaching. Part of me refuses to attach to others. I still struggle. When my sister goes out of town, or my friend, I find every way possible to push them away. I don’t allow myself to attach, too much, because I know that attachment also means that eventually I will lose something more. Attachment means I will have to go through more heartbreak. Attachment means I will have to let go of one more thing, or person. So, just as the little girl mentioned above, I limit my connection. I limit my attachments. There are very few things I have attached myself to: my blanket, my bunny, my best friend, my aunt, and my sister, three cousins, and the gal mentioned above. My attachment to the people is very shallow. I still don’t have a great attachment to them…in fact it’s very insecure. But it’s there and it’s because I have allowed myself to trust in that amount of relationship. It’s limited. The attachment I had to my bunny was strong. She was like my baby. It’s the one and only thing I had left of my home that didn’t have any negativity. She held no connection to anything bad. She held no value in any of the families that didn’t want me, she didn’t have anything to do with foster care, she held no value in my dysfunctional life. What she did hold…a piece of my home that was happy. A place that was full of joy and delight….and good memories. So, losing her is not easy. I’m a bit lost at the moment. I don’t really know what to do. I sat there holding her hoping that somehow she would just start breathing and be back to her spunky little self again. I sit wondering why it took losing her to make me realize why I’ve had such a hard time connecting and allowing myself to attach. I’m not sure of the answer…the things I am sure of though are: I am going to miss her priceless nose kisses, sharing my burrito’s and smoothies with her, having someone (thing) understand me at such a deep level and comfort me in times of need, watching her create mischief, snuggling with her, and sharing feelings with her. Literally…if I was mad she would get mad and stomp and refuse to kiss. If I was happy, she was spunky. Any emotion I felt she shared. I’m going to miss her. I’m glad for the lessons she taught me…I guess in every trial there is a lesson: Attachment is…until it isn’t.

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