“If it was true that moss did not have roots, and maternal love could grow spontaneously, as if from nothing […] perhaps the unattached, the unwanted, the unloved, could grow to love as lushly as anyone else.” ~Language of Flowers ♥

My whole life I have searched for love. Not only have I searched for love, but I have pushed it away once I have found it. I have been on a journey to learn, understand, recognize, and accept love without really knowing what to look for, what the feeling is, or what it looks like. Do I settle with conditional love because it is better than no love at all? Or do I fight to find someone who will love me unconditionally? So many times I have shut the world out because I feel I have been hurt too many times. I open my heart only to be turned down because I push the boundary to find where the safety ends. So, I shut everything and everyone out. It’s easier to shut down than to be rejected. And then the journey continues. If you are a frequent reader of this blog you know that I have spent my fair share of time going from home to home. You know that I have lost 5 families. Is it because I refused to settle for conditional love that those families didn’t work? Is it because I refused to believe that just because I wasn’t succeeding at their pace didn’t mean I wouldn’t succeed? Is it because I refused to allow someone to love me only if I did the things they wanted and became the person they wanted me to be? Is it because I didn’t, at the time, have the capacity to connect at a mother/daughter/sister level? Honestly, I don’t know what the reasoning is. I know that I pushed them away because I didn’t have the capacity at that time to open my heart, fully, and allow someone to love me–whether it be conditionally or unconditionally. I have found my self slowly, and I mean really slowly, opening up and allowing others in. Allowing others to love me. I know that I still don’t have the full capacity to love. I have the ability to be compassionate, endearing, and empathetic..but I still feel a part of me lacks the ability to truly love. I haven’t allowed myself to trust, myself or others, enough to let love come freely and energetically. I know I will, over time, be able to freely love and accept love…but it will take time. Just recently I read a book {The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh} that a close friend of mine gave to me and it was amazing. I felt so quenched and connected with the main character, Victoria. I felt as if she were mirroring my life and my journey to find love and to be able to understand and accept it. It was interesting to read the book, as a mirror to my life, because I felt like I finally had someone to relate with. It made me feel less crazy and alone. I felt like finally someone understood what it was like to want love so badly but to be so afraid that they denied it every time a door was opened. It made me realize it’s not the child’s job to love the parents but rather the parents job to love the child…especially when the child has no clue what love even is. I know my “sister” {I’ll give her a name soon, I promise} and her two kids understand me at this level…and it’s scary because it’s real. They have opened their hearts, even when mine was shut, and fully accepted me for who I am and the level I am at. Finally I have seen what unconditional love looks like and though it scares the crap out of me, some strange part of me finds safety in it. I’m not sure why, or how, my brain just refuses to wrap itself around the idea of someone loving me, accepting me, and keeping me as their family after I have seriously damaged them…physically and emotionally. It’s interesting. It’s confusing. It’s comforting. I love the quote I began this post with…that love doesn’t have to have roots. Love can be created and the unwanted and unloved can love as lushly and fully as anyone else. It gives me a tinge of hope. I love it. I don’t know how, but without actually living in or through the system, Vanessa Diffenbaugh has captured the emotion and intensity of many unheard children all over America. She’s brought to life a feeling that most would not be able to comprehend, by making it comprehensible. Through writing, she has unexplainably led many people into the life and emotion of someone who struggles to have and hold onto what should come naturally…something that, I believe, many people haven’t been through, to that extent.

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