I don’t even know where to start today (Saturday)! I’m sitting here in my sisters living room and my mind is spinning…literally! I’m not upset or angry, as those are typically the basis of my blog writing-to release the anger-but something is stirring inside of me and I don’t know what it is. It is unsettling because I don’t know what it is and my sister, Bailey, and friend, Zhanna, are both asleep. I don’t know how big it is or how deep it is therefore I don’t know the outcome. I can tell myself that it’s not going to happen…but sometimes logic loses the battle. So…to focus my thoughts, here is my most recent thought:
I love my mom. I love her very much. Today (Saturday), I received a cd full of pictures from my past. Pictures of my mom’s wedding, before I was even thought about. Pictures of my brothers. Pictures of me as a baby. Tons of pictures! I don’t know where they came from or why now is the time to have received them…but a part of me wishes it would have waited a week or two to show up. These next two weeks are going to be very strenuous as my schedule is overbearing and Bailey, my sister, and Zhanna, my friend, are going to be overly stressed leaving me a basket case, at it’s best. I do have to say though that I did enjoy looking at those pictures. The cd had pictures of both my mom and my dad when they were children, growing up. It included high school pictures and their “sparking” love. There were pictures of my mom’s wedding and each of my siblings and my infant pics. Every few years of my life, until the year my dad died, was documented with a few pictures…all taken by my grandma. That’s the only time pics were taken…when my grandma visited. However, it was also difficult looking at those pictures. SO much could have been. We could have been a happy family. My dad could have loved me enough to respect me and my body. My mom could have stopped him. My siblings could have grown up “normal”. We could have loved to be around each other. I could have had a mom and a dad. So many “could-have’s” danced through my head. My mom’s pictures were hard to look at. You could see the sparkle in her eyes dim to nothing over a short span. I loved seeing her happy…and then came the blame and guilt. That it’s all my fault that our family didn’t work, that my dad hurt me, that my dad died, that my mom did drugs, etc. She looked so “free” in her wedding pictures. Her eyes still dull, but filled with some sort of hope. My mom wasn’t capable and it was hard to see that through the pictures. I wish that I could put that spark back in my mom’s eye and give her the courage to get better and take control of her life…but I can’t…and that bugs me. I don’t understand why I have those feelings for her, and why they were all so harshly re-established tonight…but I do. I have never had that desire for any other “mom” I have ever had and I don’t understand that. The pictures of my brothers and I were horrible. I mean, not horrible, but telling. I wish that I could post a picture here so that it could be put into perspective for you but I’m just not ready to. It was like looking at a broken child…or trash. My siblings and I were SO unkept and our eyes desperate. It was frustrating seeing those pictures and knowing that no one stood up for us. It’s sad. People say a picture is worth a thousand words…but what does that mean? People are so disconnected from each other that they lack the ability to truly see the things going on around them. People are too disconnected to see desperation in a smile. If a picture is worth a thousand words…and the thousand words are the memories they are supposed to hold, then pictures are deceiving and not really telling at all. Pictures ARE worth a thousand words…and now, I have a million words to hold onto!