Your reality is often different from the reality of life; thus the struggle of living, sometimes.
A part of me, a big part of me, really wants someone to rely on. Not just someone to lean back on but for someone to commit to being reliable for 90%-100% of the time–like a parent does for a child. But the reality of life is, that due to my circumstances this is impossible. Where I am at in my life, age wise, doesn’t allow me to become a part of a family and be the ‘kid’ that my body and mind so needs to be. However, it doesn’t mean that I still don’t need all the things that I wasn’t previously given, ie: cuddling, being “saved” when I can’t handle life, regulating, learning basic functions of life, having someone teach me to have a healthy relationship, etc. It just means that at this point in my life, the reality is, it is impossible for anyone to be the “parent” I need to teach me these things. It is impossible to have someone who I am able to rely on for these things 90%-100% or even 50% of the time. It’s just not reality. My reality, however, is much different from life’s reality. Example: my reality is that Bailey, my big “sister”, is able to be this person, or parent figure, that I need and she is choosing not to because she just doesn’t want to or doesn’t love me enough. The reality is that she would, if she could. I know this logically but my emotional age level is so much younger than 20 so when I do get dysregulated my reality takes over and I see it the way my reality portrays it. I know at first Bailey struggled with not being able to give me the things I needed emotionally, well all the things, and we had conflict because of it. I needed things that a young child, like a 3-year-old, would need and she was, and is, unable to provide that. It’s not because she chooses not to or that she doesn’t love me because the reality of life is that if she could, she would. She loves me at a deeper level than anyone else ever has. I mean besides my Mom but my mom had to dig deep to find the love she held for my siblings and me, Bailey doesn’t–she just loves. She provides me with the things she is able to give…things like cuddling, rocking, tucking me in, and letting me know that someone loves me just because. She does these things on a daily basis, usually…but sometimes life becomes too much and she just can’t. I freak because I then have no one to rely on to give me these things. Another reality is, I am lucky. Even though Bailey cannot commit to be 100% available all the time for me to rely on, and her reliability rate is about 33% of the time, she is the most reliable person I have. I don’t know any other adult that would rock a 20-year-old, or give a 20-year-old permission to throw a temper tantrum (doesn’t happen often but it happens). Most adults would not have the insight, or realize, that even though I am 20, many times emotionally I am still a young child. She is meeting my needs that weren’t met to the best of her ability. Again, my reality takes over all too often. When my reality sets in and I can’t see life’s reality I start to shut down. I mean really shut down–completely dissociate. It’s not as bad as it used to be, because it takes longer for me to shut down…but it still happens. In these moments, when someone to rely on is WANTED *imagine that like on a wanted sign, tehe*, I start to believe that it is better to shut down than to allow any type of emotion. In these moments I feel that the repercussions of me being angry are far worse than the repercussions of me shutting down. Logically, I know that in the long run it is opposite because allowing myself to be angry and feel the repercussions of it allows me to create a deeper level of relationship and connection than shutting down. Shutting down will do more harm than good in the long run because instead of fixing, or retraining, 20 years of damage I could eventually be fixing, or retraining, 40+ years of damage. But that is what my reality is. What can I do to change this? What can I do to change the: Wanted–someone to rely on mindset? What can I do to make it so that I don’t need someone to rely on to the extent I’ve expected–because ultimately everybody relies on someone. First, I can change what being angry looks like. It is okay to have that emotion. It’s okay to be mad or angry or sad. It is what I do with that, that counts. Often when I am angry or sad I turn into a snobby brat…like a teenager, but worse. I become disrespectful, give the cold shoulder, call names, sometimes turn violent, etc. So, if I change the way I handle my anger and take control of it by talking about it then I wont set my self up for sabotage. That will also allow a deeper connection on the relationship level because Bailey, or whoever, will not have to be on alert or defense mode and she wont feel like she has to be. To change my reality in the moment I have started reading notecards of personal affirmations (you deserve love, you don’t have to fight anymore, you are safe, the bad stuff was in the past, its okay to let it go and be free, etc). Slowly it is working…but it will take time. Also, I can accept what is going on. I struggle with acceptance because for the longest time I didn’t know how to accept these things…but then Bailey explained to me that to accept it you have to go to a deeper level of thinking and think more towards the lessons than the negative. I agree. I also realize that this is how I have forgiven my Mom. I know that the things that happened while I was under her watch were there to help me in my future to be who I am now, even if at times I don’t like who I am. To change the, wanted:someone to rely on, thinking…I have to take charge. Instead of expecting someone else to give me the things I needed/ still need I can allow and accept giving them to myself. Letting myself take control of my life, finally. I have always taken care of myself but if I allow myself to do it at a deeper, more emotional, level that feeling will subside much quicker. At least that is my predicament. So, yes, I still want someone to rely on…but I can find that in many people and myself and know that I am still going to be okay!