As I sit here I don’t know where to go with this post. I don’t know where to start or where to end or what to cover. I’m always told to just write about what’s on my heart because that’s what needs the healing, but I’m not so sure this time. My heart is heavy, really heavy. Not in the deep emotional, mushy, gushy kind of way, but more the “you’re at a phase in your life where you are at a crossroad and a million things are going on at once so its too much to handle…” kind of way. My life, at the moment, is so confusing and I keep getting told that if I want out of the confusion all I need to do is choose love. Do you know how hard it is to choose love? Choosing love has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life. Needless to say it has also been one of the greatest choices. But my brain sits here and circles the idea that to just accept love for what it is will solve all of my problems.Right now, my brain is in a logistical battle of connection and pain over disconnect and safety. A lot of people don’t understand how, if at all, it is possible that a battle so opposite could be logistical, but it is. I can’t let my emotions become involved because I know what I want…but also believe that what I want is not what is best for me. Connection, right now, is the one thing I want more than anything, however, I feel if I connect the pain will follow. Not just the “healing pain” but the pain of disappointment and anger with myself for allowing me to set myself up for sabotage. Allowing myself to connect, at this time, creates a situation where I have sabotaged myself and that’s not okay. Disconnect is also very taunting and  has it’s cons as well. For me to disconnect I create a situation where I am in the same place I started…lost and alone. But alone feels comfortable right now. When I allow myself to connect I allow myself to become dependent…which, at this point in my life, is not okay. It’s not okay because the one person I need to depend on isn’t around and the one person I have been depending on is not really dependable anymore. {I don’t mean “not dependable” in a bad way. I mean it like they are not able to give the time that I need due to their busy life schedule} I want so badly to connect, but I fight myself to do so. I know the repercussions.  When I disconnect my body goes to a pretty dark place and a lot of the times I don’t really know it. It’s a comfortable dark place….it’s a safe dark place…but it’s not a healing dark place. I shut down and feel nothing…no joy, no sorrow, no pain, no tears, no authentic laughter. Those are all things I have finally felt, through connection. They are things that, surprisingly, are sometimes enjoyable. They are things, that at times like this, I miss. Both sides of this battle even out and everything just balances, leaving the decision solely in the palm of my hands. I know if I decide to shut down and disconnect that I am losing progress. I also know that if I stay connected I’m going to set myself up for quick failure because of high demanded needs–things that I’m not sure I can give to myself. If I allow myself to connect, even with someone other than my usual connections, the possibility of dependence and fear is almost a given. If I allow myself to disconnect then I am giving in to the people who hurt me and told me I would never go anywhere in life. If I allow myself to disconnect then I am allowing my fear, insecurities, and past to run me. This battle keeps swirling over and over. Pros vs Cons…right vs wrong…best vs worse…succeed or fail. The playing field is even and it’s up to me to choose the winning team. Logically, I know it’s not that black and white. I know that, somewhere in that mix, there is a healthy balance between connection and disconnect. But, again, how do you find that? Through love? Through the idea that if you just tell yourself you’re okay all the bad stuff goes away? Or, through the acceptance of the way love portrays itself in the most manipulative, yet, seductive way? Love is the simple solution and my world is a complex world. To mix the two creates a complexity far beyond my ability to handle. To accept love, and love alone, means letting go of my world. To accept my world, without the “simplicity” of love, means letting go of a shot at the future. And so the battle continues..and my journey to the answer is long and lonely, or peaceful and serene.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s