Today, I filled a little red balloon with all my hate, with all my anger, with all my fears. Today, I released that balloon and watched it drift away driven by the helium induced high sure to rid me of my pain. Yesterday, I bought a wand {you know, the magical kind} and wished all the sorrow gone. Monday, I dug a hole, and in that hole was placed the simplest of notes, which read: once the hole be filled so shall my angst be free. And Tuesday, I let someone else imagine my anxiety being put into a gun safe, into a container, so that I could be free from my suffering. Tomorrow, I refuse. I refuse to believe that these poppycock remedies will cure me of my grief…because they wont. They haven’t. I’ve tried these things for many years, to no avail, and each time I’m disappointed that once again my life has not been cured. Life is not simple, healing is not easy. Both take work, determination, and courage. So many therapists believe that there is a cure-all that ends-all to life and trauma. I’m here to tell you: there’s not. I’m sorry. It’s the truth. It’s a fact. The main link between every therapist I have ever had has been: if I you had a magic wand and could change the past, what would you change? After answering they’d continue on to tell me how things were now different and that part of my life was magically better because the “magic wand” said so. I’m sorry, it wasn’t. In fact, for the moment being, it was actually a bit worse. Believing that a magic wand could cure my past and bring my mom back used to give me false hope. I used to believe that someone, somewhere, really did have a magic wand and all these “magic wand therapist’s” were right. I’ve also had therapist tell me to use the other remedies: the balloon, the hole in the ground, the container, the box, etc, to cure my sadness, my longing, my hurt. I encourage you, if a therapist gives you one of these remedies, ask how it’s worked for them. {respectfully} None of these things have worked, for me. By all means if they work for you, all the power to ya, but please share in the success and wealth. My point is, your pain doesn’t just disappear. It doesn’t just fly away with the balloon or bury itself with the note in the ground. You can’t imaginarily lock it in a container. It just doesn’t work that way. Getting rid of pain–to heal–takes work. It takes courage, tenacity, strength, will power, and the desire to change. Honestly, healing and ridding myself of past pains and struggles is, and has been, the hardest thing I have ever done, and I hope will ever do, in my life. I have worked my tail end off for the last two years to be where I am today, to allow someone to love me {to some small extent, anyway}. I have a long way to go, and I know this, but I also know that it isn’t going to happen by releasing a balloon or digging a hole. If it were going to happen through magical wands and containers I would be healed, have a forever family, and be a loving, intellectual 20-year-old who loves life. But I’m not and that’s reality. Reality has hit me so hard, recently, showing me that these things take time and patience; that healing doesn’t happen over night. It’s hard for me. There are many days I wish the magic wand were real and I could just wish my life to perfection. So many days I wish that I could just be normal and not have to deal with all the after effects of trauma, but I’m not and I do! It’s reality, right now! The other day my current therapist asked me and Bailey one thing we appreciated about the other, Bailey’s response really took me by surprise because it made me realize not only does healing take time but it also takes help. Part of her response was that I had helped her realize that you can’t heal yourself alone because you can’t see yourself in reality. I get sick, a lot! Most of the time the first thing Bailey asks me is if it is emotional or physical {meaning: are you shoving your life down so you don’t have to feel it or are you sick with the flu, like everyone else} and then we figure it out. The day that my therapist came over I was texting back and forth with Bailey and she told me she wasn’t feeling good. Out of instinct, and repetition, I asked her if it was emotional or physical. At that moment she realized that it was emotional and immediately fixed it. The other part of her response to my therapists question, in helping me realize you can’t heal alone, was she told me that she needed someone to help her out in those times when she couldn’t see reality. {not exact words} That has been a lot of my struggle. I see very black and white a lot of the time so it’s all or nothing. It’s the poppycock remedies or no healing at all. I haven’t allowed myself help. I have felt so alone in my healing process, though surrounded by great support, for the last two years. Well, really my whole life…but more so the last two years. I reach out and then deny the help I long for. But what Bailey said made me realize that I can’t do it alone, and unfortunately, I can’t do it with magic either. I have to work. I have to do the dirty, grimy stuff before I can get to the shine. I get to learn to feel, to breathe, to live for the first time in my life and as scared as I am, I’m excited. I’m terrified, more than words can describe, but I know that if I work past this and get rid of all my angries and hurts, I can be happy and truly live. I know that I can’t do this with the release of a balloon or the fullness of an imaginary container. There is only one way to rid myself of this “crap”, productively…and that is to work through it and allow the help that’s needed. And same to you. Don’t choose the magical, easy way out. Don’t choose drugs. Choose to heal.

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