When I’m trusting and being myself as fully as possible, everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously. ~Shakti Gawain

*CAUTION: Possibility of endless rambling about to ensue. Please forgive me in advance 🙂 

One of the biggest things I struggle with is being okay with me: just accepting me, for me. I have always been a fighter because a fighter is what I have always had to be, but now, being a fighter is hindering my healing. Deep down I understand that life would be much easier if I just let go and stop fighting–fighting everyone and everything–and relaxed into life. In a single day I fight myself, the little voices that tell me negative things, love, emotions, affection, Bailey, at least 10 little girls, the ability to stay present, etc. My life is a war. I’m constantly fighting many battles, all at once.  But for what? What am I fighting for, or against? I know that six months ago I had to fight to survive, but why now? My biggest, most difficult, fight? Myself. Why? I’m not sure. Six months ago I was fighting so hard to survive that I had no time to look into myself or to see myself for who I really am or needed to be…but now, now I have time and I don’t like it. Who am I? Right now I am a young child trapped inside of a young adults body. I am four. I am two. I am eight. One thing I’m not is 20. I am lost. I am alone and I don’t know where to go or what to do. I am responsible when I need to be, respectful when I can be, and fun to be around when I am trying to be. I am wise and compassionate {most of the time} and would rather be alone on a small island where no one would find me, because it’s safe. My thoughts are often improper or inappropriate. My behaviors at times qualify me for a nut house and my emotional age might classify me as a social outcast. I’m not normal. These are the things that I portray myself as, but is that reality? Is this me? It is, but why? It’s what and who I feel I need to be! I need to be a young child. I need to be four or two or even and infant because those are the stages of life I missed out on. Those are the stages I need to reach to be up to par with life’s standards. The things that I am are in place because of the things that happened to me in the past. I live in fear…literally, every day I wake up and my system is already in a place of fear: what if I don’t make it to work on time? Am I going to get fired today? What if Bailey decides I can’t stay with her anymore? Is today the day Bailey is going to give up? Will Zhanna still be my friend at the end of the day? What if my mom finds me? What if Unakite really does get out of prison and nobody told me? It’s hard to find any type of certainty in my day and that causes a lot of fear…and fear is the reason I fight myself so hard. I fight because, still after six months, I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel certainty. I don’t feel okay. I fight to stop myself from being an infant, a toddler, a child. I fight to stop myself from loving or accepting love. I fight to stop myself from accepting affection. I fight being okay. All because I don’t feel safe or certain. I know deep, deep down that I am safe and that my life is okay. I know that I am okay. I know that if I stop fighting all these things I will be able to heal much quicker and finally be truly happy. But it’s a fight, an urge, that if I stop then I feel I will die. It’s a fight so mighty that I don’t want to lose because losing means death. That’s how my mind is working at this moment. Logically, I know that it means that my life will fall perfectly into place just as the above quote states…but emotionally, my mind fights it. I can’t wait until the day I can feel that way…the day that I am able to fully trust in myself and my process. I can’t wait to get rid of this fight and win the war that’s been raging for years inside of me. I can’t wait to find happiness and to live, for real. I can’t wait to finally live life in peace, no battles and no wars.

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