So many times I’ve thought I was over rejection and loss. That finally I’d become immune. But I’m not, and it sucks. How could I not be over it? I’ve lost more in my 20 years than most people lose in a life time, and I don’t say that for sympathy, I say it because I don’t understand how I’m not immune to it yet. I’m so tired of being picked last, being looked at weird. I’m tired of people choosing others over me. I’m tired of being the oddball out. I’m tired of being ME! I know that’s not okay…but I keep lying to myself and telling myself: it’s not me or it’s okay you’re that way for a reason and it is getting better, etc. When I’m completely shut down, none of this matters. I don’t care that no one wants me or that I’m not going to get the things I need because I’m too old. When I’m shut down, nothing matters because I can function and I don’t have to feel the pain around me…I don’t have to feel the rejection or the loss or the people’s jabbing words. I’ve struggled at my workplace since I started. I struggle for a lot of reasons, including: age, interest, maturity, developmental age, etc. I am able to blow it off most of the time, but not today. We just finished a busy three weeks and are now hiring a bunch of new people. I haven’t been feeling well the last week or so and my tolerance has been very low, today was no different. One of the girls kept touching me and talking in a very whiney, baby voice and I was getting very irritated. I was overwhelmed and tired. I was struggling to deal with the 7 customer line waiting for me, the other 24 body line waiting for someone to help, plus the 6 other workers asking me questions, all at once. One of my coworkers, who I have worked with for the last six months, noticed that I was getting a little “hot” and came over to me. Instead of offering some comforting words or asking if I needed a break, she jabbed, “Well, now you know how we all feel about you”. She rolled her eyes and walked away. I’ve heard a lot of things behind my back and, quite frankly, to my face–but nothing like that. I’ve known that no one at work is really fond of me, and honestly I’m okay with that. I don’t think I would be fond of someone who came in and was pretty much put in charge of me had they had no experience and I’d worked there for a year or two. But really? I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to work there. I don’t want to continue to listen to the rumors behind my back or the gossip that I’m not supposed to. But, I know that I’m blessed to have this job, so I’ll stay. Even shut down, I can only handle so much. Right now I have so many other things piled up on my plate and I feel that this is just that piece of Jenga block that knocks the tower over. I don’t know what to do. At least 90% of me is fighting to just give up and close my heart, again. To shut down and live life the way I always have. I’m tired of trying and it being rejected. It’s not just my peers that I feel rejected by, so I reject everyone else in return. I’m tired of trying and it not being good enough…trying and even though it’s my hardest I still lose the things I want or need the most. I’m tired of trying to open my heart, to learn love, only to be slammed again. A part of me doesn’t want to do it anymore. Bailey and I don’t really have a healthy relationship, Zhanna and I have a decent relationship, honestly I don’t have one healthy relationship in my life so my brain and my heart just tells me to give up. It’s so much easier to live life shut down than to fight for something you aren’t gaining or to fight to be better when it just keeps getting worse. How many times can one be rejected before their heart is stone? How many years does it take until that feeling completely dissolves and the moment someone rejects you, it doesn’t hurt? How many chances at learning love can one person have, and fail? How many? I’m not going to give up because there is still at least 10% of me that hopes that eventually I will be okay. A part of me that has hope of a more normal, accepting, future. I won’t give up because I refuse to become my mom, no matter how hard the pain! I won’t give up…but it’s tempting.

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