All I really have to say tonight is that this economy sucks, and I think I finally understand why I’ve never allowed myself to like things! I’m not really sure people who are set in their steady careers, or are not at the mark they can get a job, really get it. I’m lucky, I have a super supportive group of people who encourage me in my endeavors and comfort me in my sorrows. This past week I found out I am losing my job. It took a few days for it to really sink in, but it’s now hitting me hard. I have searched and applied to probably 35+ jobs in the past four days. It’s either not enough experience because everywhere wants at least a years worth or I don’t have a degree. SO FRUSTRATING! The past few days of work have been pretty strenuous. I haven’t wanted to go or to do anything work related. It’s hard because I’ve finally started enjoying going to work. When I first started, the days were long and I’d count down the hours until I was able to go home. I didn’t really fit in. I kinda felt like the green thumb in a thistle bush! As the months, well weeks, went by things just became part of life. I started enjoying work, I looked forward to going and hanging out with my coworkers. Now, I wake up in the morning asking what crazy stories I’m going to stumble upon at work that day. I do belong. I don’t exactly feel like the green thumb any more. I’ve learned to settle myself more.  This seems to happen frequently. I finally start to like something, or feel settled with it, and then BAM it’s gone. Bailey thinks part of it is a subconscious negativity pushing the good away. Maybe, maybe not! I’m not really sure what it is, but it seems to never fail. Examples? My first foster home. At first, I despised living there. I went through a major rebellious “I don’t care what you say cuz you’re not my mom” stage. I asked my caseworker, multiple times, to move me–only to be rejected. During my time there, my foster-sister and I bonded rather tightly; still to this day we remain like sisters. I was settled and enjoying my life the way it was. Soon after I got the call that I would be moving. I would receive a “new family” and be leaving my sister and foster parents behind. I was devastated. Next, all of my adoptive families! The first: I only had the idea to get used to. Once the idea was pleasant and comforting, the adoption failed. My second: living there and finally becoming comfortable and then their daughter decided to “adopt” me. My third, their daughter, was probably the most epic failed-adoption out of all of them. Weeks before finalization I was asked to pack my stuff and leave–then was sent back to the second adoptive family to have the process, of settling and then someone else asking to adopt me, happen all over again. All of these places I lost right after I finally started to enjoy and feel comfortable. My final adoptive family lasted longer but ended the same. We had some major rough spots but after the while I did live there I started to belong, then they shipped me off to school. It’s like my pattern of life. Bailey often asks me why I am so negative and the more I think about it, the more I believe this is why. I don’t want to lose the things I truly do like. I don’t want the cycle to continue, but I don’t know how to stop it. So now the question is, do I let this recent loss get me down and turn me bitter or do I keep my head high and continue learning to settle and like things. Most likely the second, but the first is quite tempting!

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