Sometimes I truly HATE my life! I feel like giving up because NOTHING I’m fighting for is worth the fight. I get so exhausted and worn down that I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere and/or losing progress. I hate that it’s one thing after another, always. I hate when people ask if you’re okay and clearly you are not, but you have to fake a smile and say yes just to appease them. Right now I feel like life is harder than it ever was living with my bio family. Life then was simple: stay out of mom and dads way, don’t fight the abuse, and don’t get into trouble. Of course that led to major survival instincts…but still, it was easier! A few posts back I posted about losing my job. Well, today was my last day! Not only was it my last day but Bailey was gone, Zhanna was “busy” and everyone else was busy too…so that left me alone to deal with everything. I have to say, I’ve not hated Bailey more in a really long time. This sounds selfish and I know it does but right now, in this moment, I HATE her. I feel so much animosity and anger towards her. I don’t mind that she was gone, I’m used to that. But she didn’t even connect with me today! Typically we connect in the morning, evening and then at bed time. Not today. There was no connection. She’s on vacation so really she shouldn’t have to, but she knows that this was going to be a really hard day and still she didn’t care. She didn’t connect yesterday, today and we will connect again tomorrow night when I pick her up from the bus stop. Honestly, I don’t want to. I don’t want to talk to her, because I know that I’m going to say or do something that I’ll regret later. I know that she has a right to her social life, and I’m all for it, but I am unjustifiably angry. I am in my “negative thinking” cycle…and I’m trying so hard not to be. I can’t help but to think that she didn’t connect because she didn’t want me to damper her day. It wouldn’t be the first time. She keeps telling me to just accept life instead of fight it…but I can’t. Accepting life means that I fail. Accepting life means that I settle and I am NOT willing to settle. The other night I was talking to her about the new job I got, I will work at a residential retirement home, and I could hear the underlying annoyance. I KNOW why I don’t want to work there. I’m tired of taking care of everyone else, I’ve been doing it my whole life. I’m tired. I’m worn down. I’m not sure what it’s going to be like when I pick her up tomorrow. I’m sure it’ll be fine. She’ll probably go on like nothing ever happened and life is just peaches and cream, because for her it is. I’ll probably throw a smile on my face and welcome  her home, happily. I’m at the point I just want to throw in the towel. I’m ready to just give up. I see so well why my mom chose the life she did. It’s easy. You don’t remember half of it because you’re either drunk or wasted. What a life, huh?

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