Well, its official…I’m still number one on the hit-list of every one of my family members! Not really a big deal seeing how I planned on being there for the rest of my, and their, life but when it shines through, it stings. At first it really bothered me, you know the initial threats and hate mail that I received…but now, it’s normal. I understand where they are coming from in their anger, but I don’t understand where they are getting their information. A few weeks before my step-dad’s sentencing I received emails from some of my sisters and a few of my cousins informing me that if my step-dad was given more than a few years in prison that they, as a family, would kill themselves. Mind you, they never killed themselves regardless my SD’s 50 yr sentence. I didn’t know how to handle that. I didn’t want to be responsible for the end of their lives as well as the downfall of my SD’s. I love my sisters almost more than words can describe. I love them like they are my own children. To have them hate me so much is hurtful…it’s not like when you’re in third grade and your best friend steals the swing you really wanted so you hate them for like five minutes. It’s a hate so deep, driven my fear and sadness, that it penetrates every cell of their, and my, body. It swims around in the air waiting for a weak spot to jab at. Not always is it successful in tearing me down, but sometimes it hits perfectly. Tonight one of my sisters told me to find the deepest, darkest hole I could and die in it. My initial response was one of solitude and invisibility. My whole world shut down and there I was, alone and safe, in my own little nirvana. Still kinda sitting there. I don’t want to face the fact that they hate me so much. I don’t want to accept that my own sibling and mother want me dead. I don’t want to betray my feelings of distrust to all mankind. I don’t want to believe that people I love, people I raised and took care of, could be so bitter towards me. It’s moments like this that I wonder, did I do the right thing? Was disclosing the family secrets really in the best interest of everyone or was it just in the interest of my healing? Did I do the right thing. Logically, I know I did the right thing…but emotionally, I am never quite sure. One of the biggest reasons I decided to disclose was because I wanted my sisters to be safe. I didn’t, and don’t, want them to have to go through the abuse I did. I don’t want them to have to wake up in the middle of the night terrified that someone is coming. They were the reason I finally disclosed. If not for their safety, I don’t think I would have. They know this but are not in a place where they can understand it. Well, most of them cannot understand it. One of my sisters talked to me after the sentencing and told me that she knew I was telling the truth but that she couldn’t believe me or agree with me because that was her dad. She didn’t want to betray her love for him. I understand that. I am okay with that. She knows. She gets it because she knows what it’s like to be terrified of what happens in the dark. She understands the fear behind the night terrors that keeps me from sleeping at night. She just gets it, because she deals with it too. I doubt that she will ever admit to having this conversation with me because she knows that doing so means betraying the only family she’s ever known and starting over. She’s a strong gal and she will make it. I know she will. And when the other siblings give me comments like the one I received tonight, I do escape into my own little world. I also allow myself to believe that I did do the right thing. That at least there is one less person abusing them at night. That they are that much safer then they were before this all happened. And then, I am okay.

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