Truth is…I miss my life two weeks ago. I miss my life one week ago. I don’t really like this whole situation, living on my own and healing without example. It’s hard. Healing is hard. It doesn’t happen over night, and for me, that is so frustrating. I want, more than anything, to get better. I want it now. I know, without a doubt in my mind, that I can do it, but it’s hard. Physically, mentally, emotionally…I feel defeated. Every 20 minutes, I tell myself something positive about myself. Every night I write in a journal as many things as I can that are positive in my life and about me, followed by an “excerpt” of my day. Every 20 minutes I try so hard to believe something different from the horrible things I’ve always known. I have to tell myself over and over these simple loving things, and my head fights every word of it. My heart knows, but my head fights it to the brim of exhaustion. I get up every day, I shower, I try to find new ways of learning to love myself and apply it, I visit with Bailey, and I go to work. If you ask me, that’s amazing! Like super woman amazing. I struggle here, not because I can’t take care of myself, but because I simply do not like to be alone. I have been alone my entire life and I was finally starting to like having company. I miss it. I miss having Zhanna with me most of the time. I miss just being able to see them whenever I want to see them. I miss watching cartoons and playing Barbie’s with Zhanna. I miss my best friend, and my sister. It’s hard because unlike past times I am actually allowing myself to feel. My old patterns have sat on a shelf for the past week and a half tempting me to come home, invite them back in, and shelter myself–but I haven’t. As many times as I have wanted to, I haven’t shut-down {dissociated}, cut myself, bruised myself, or used any other self-injurious comfort. For me, that’s big! That’s HUGE! That’s phenomenal!!! Shutting down has always been my go-to-guide of the universe…but I haven’t allowed myself to do so because I want to get better…and getting better means starting to really feel the big feelings. A lot of these feelings I don’t recognize, understand, or even like. But I am feeling them and that, in and of itself, is amazing. Even with all of this going for me, I feel discouraged right now. I feel like I’m in this to win it without a clue where the finish line is. I’ve started the race and have never been so desperate to finish it. I’m finally at that mile where you are so out of breath, so tired, but you just keep chugging forward because you know that once you’ve hit that finish line you have accomplished something beyond amazing.  My breath is short, my heart is pounding, every bone in my body is miserable, and my feet are killing…but I’m still desperately chugging. Zhanna and I hung out all day today and I think it was one of the most difficult things I’ve done yet. She doesn’t understand and as much as I try to, I can’t help her because I don’t really understand. I dropped her off at her house and her first response was, “Do you wanna come see the lizards?” and my heart literally sunk. How do you tell your best friend that you can’t, and have them understand? After being with someone for 90% of their day, the past 9 months, how do you explain that you can’t just come hang? How do you explain to your best friend that as much as you wish it could, things can’t be the same now as they were a few weeks ago, and have her understand? She understands my need to heal. She understands that I need to find solace with myself. She knows that I need to love myself and to be able to validate myself. She’s been there. What she doesn’t understand is why her best friend can’t spend an evening with her unless it’s out of the house. She doesn’t understand the super tight boundary that has been set. How can you explain something to someone, that you, yourself don’t even understand? I understand Bailey’s reasoning, as far as she’s told me, 100%. I understand her need for safety and her goal for me to be healthy and okay, I do. I understand her responsibility to set a boundary that creates safety for not only herself, but everyone else as well. I don’t understand the things going on behind the scene. I don’t understand why, in an instant, my entire life flipped into this. I mean logically, I do. Emotionally…I feel like everything I’ve learned and known the past 9 months has been ripped, like a rug, from right underneath me and I’m struggling to grab balance. Getting better has always been on my agenda, but in its own time. I know in the past 9 months that I have learned to love myself at least a little more than I did previous. I have learned that it’s okay to regress and to go back to a period you missed, and reclaim it. I’ve learned to accept myself more for who I am, truly, and not what everyone else has told me. I want to get better…I am getting better, but it’s discouraging. I am getting better first and foremost for myself, but I am also getting better for those around me. My state of being does, as much as I wish it didn’t, affect those around me. I want to be able to go back to Bailey’s and visit. Her home started to feel like my home, like her family was mine. Maybe that was the part that went wrong? But it wasn’t! That was the part that was so right, the part that was so perfect! That is what I have searched for my entire life. People to love me, for me. People to teach me the things I don’t know and to help me relearn the things I knew incorrectly. People to help me learn to love myself. People that I enjoy being with and that enjoy being with me. Somewhere I belong! They became my family. They are the people I cherish and love to the extent I know how to. They have taught me more in my short time here, that is positive, than I have learned in my entire life. It’s been two years since Bailey and I started talking, and two years is all any family, or deep relationship, of mine has ever lasted. I am determined, with every bone and fiber in my body, to not lose this one. I think Bailey believe’s that this is just going to be one of my “cycles”, that this desire is just temporary. I wish more than anything that I could make her believe otherwise, but that is up to her. We each take care of ourselves and decide what we do and don’t want to believe. I know she believes in me, but I don’t know much. I believe in me. I know I can, and will, get better because in 9 short months I have come this far. The truth is, I’m terrified of what life has to offer and what healthy looks like, but I’m not stopping now, not yet anyways!

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3 thoughts on “Truth is…I’m terrified

  1. Hi Ruby, I hope you know how amazing you are to lay it all on the line the way you do. I hear you processing yourself as you write – SO good for you (and me and all the other crazy bloggers). You always finish with a positive statement despite all the pain and anguish you go through.
    This may sound a little crazy but – have you ever been on a motorbike? If you ride as though you are part of the bike you get this amazing flow to the experience. If you sit on the bike and try to hang on to an upright position – it is terrifying. You are in the fight of your life, hanging on and desperately just wanting the whole thing to be over. Well, I guess you know where I’m going here – if you can be in your life and moving with the flow towards the future (whatever that might be) what comes, comes. You can deal with it cos you are not busy fighting the ride. Life can offer you every possible good thing. You deserve every possible good thing.

    1. LMTF,
      Thank you, again, for your sweet comment. I am amazing… you are right! Thanks for that reminder! Yeah, I do use this as sort of my “journal” to process my life. Writing is one of the best ways to process, especially if you let your heart take the lead. I have ridden motorcycles multiple times but have never thought to compare a ride, to life. : ) I liked it, but as you said it was hard to enjoy when I was focusing on staying upright….which often happens in my life because I am a very rigid person and flexibility has never been my Mojo. I have definitely gotten a lot better at allowing flexibility, over the past few months, but it’s still a stickler for me! I’m working on this and I AM going to make it! I am making it! Thanks for your uplifting words of encouragement.

      1. Our minds are incredible things – the way we can make them change! Great to hear all your positive statements. I know I’m a complete stranger just reading little snippets of what you are going through, but I want you to know that I’m cheering you on all the way over here on the other side of the world.

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