My process is fascinating. To me, it is like reading an intense fiction and only being able to guess the ending with much uncertainty. I like books like that. Books that I can read all the way through without having a sure idea of what the ending will be. That’s my process, only I’m the narrator and the audience. At some points I write my story as a victim, at others as the victor. Today, I write it as vict-less. Yes, I made up a word. I’m not the victor nor the victim. I just am, or maybe a little of both. Yeah more like both. Today was a pretty rough day. I haven’t been able to eat anything for two weeks so my body is starting to give out on me. It isn’t any fun. I’m not one to complain of pain, much less feel it, but my joints ache and my insides tremble. My brain is mush and my feet are jelly. I’ve gone to the Dr’s and they’ve done nothing but prescribe pills. Needless to say I can’t keep the pills down. I’m struggling with life still, but in different areas. I’ve pretty much accepted that I am not allowed at Bailey’s for the time being and that I only get to see her when her schedule allows, but it doesn’t take away the feelings that I have. I am mad at Bailey. She, just like others, kicked me out. I know, logically, the reasons and that it’s not the same as when the others kicked me out, but the feeling of being kicked out and “banned” doesn’t differ according to circumstances. I struggle more now with being alone than anything. To a point I do, but not all of the time. Weekends bring me more peace than I ever thought imaginable because I finally get to have togetherness. Zhanna and I hung out all weekend and even though there were times when we were both irritated with each other, I think we both enjoyed being together again. I like having my space here, at my house, and being able to be alone if I need it. I like not having to feel like I have nowhere to go because I don’t have a room or don’t want to go to someone else’s room. I have a home. I like it here. It’s quiet…except when my roommate gets up in the morning. It’s mine. But, it’s lonely. Not being able to go to Bailey and Zhanna’s has been a challenge because I don’t know other people. I’m not really a people person and really don’t want to expand my already large world. I like the few that are here. This week I will be alone for 90% of the week. I wont be able to see Zhanna because she is out-of-town and wont be able to see Bailey because she will be on a “stay-cation” with a friend. I have struggled with that today. I don’t want to be alone that long. So, what am I supposed to learn from this, because it is ever-present in my life. A lot of this makes me want to just go away and shut down. I struggle enough as it is seeing them as much as I do. Bailey feels that I need to learn to be okay with myself and be okay with being alone, it frustrates me. I have been alone my entire life, I’m tired of it. Being alone isn’t helping me learn to be okay with myself. My hard work and dedication is, but solitude, not so much. I feel like I’m going insane being here alone and the week hasn’t even started. I can’t retreat to my little island that once held my heart and soul because doing so would mean regression, which means not moving forward. That little island is so tempting, let me tell you. I have a lot of anger tonight. I try to see things in balance, you know the good and the bad, but lately they don’t even out. Some days have a lot of positives and others have none. I’m kinda tired of reading this novel though, it’s getting old. I’m ready for the uncertainty to go away and the “indeed” to take place.


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