It’s strange to think that it’s been almost 2 months since I was kicked out of Bailey’s house. In some ways it feels like yesterday, in others it feels like a life time ago. So, for this post I have a few goals to accomplish. My first goal is something I’m going to need my readers help with, my second goal is to update you all on my life, and my third goal is to leave here feeling satisfied with my writing. Not to hard, right? Okay, so I need y’alls help. I need to come up with another term for being kicked-out. Being “kicked-out” has always had a negative connotation to me because when I have been kicked out it was for negative reasoning. When I was kicked out of my families I wasn’t able to return and things never really mended. I am civil with them, but we have no relationship. When I was kicked out of Bailey’s it was different. I still look at it as kicked out because that is what it was. I am not allowed back at her house because I did something to break the safety. But it is still being kicked out, to me. She still visits me almost daily and our relationship is doing well. We have our downs, but it seems like we have more ups because I am not expecting her to be my mom. It’s still hard for me. I want a new word for “kicked out” because I hate seeing how hurtful it is to Bailey when we talk about it and I refer to it as her kicking me out. It sucks to see so much pain in someone for something they did out of love and protection. Anyway, so I need y’alls help with coming up with a new word? How about it? As for my life, it’s life. In the past 2 months I feel like I’ve grown more, as a person, than I have in the past 21 years of my life. It’s been hard, but so worth it. I struggle almost daily with flashbacks and old trauma resurfacing, but I continue to move forward despite the nagging plea to quit. Sometimes I get really discouraged and start to regress into old habits. This happens frequently and it gets really frustrating for me because even in my healthiest state I feel like people are expecting me to do more than I can or go faster than I am. The truth is, I’m doing the best I can and to me, that’s good enough. This weekend I both progressed and regressed, a lot. The progression came more on the acceptance level. As posted in the previous post, I’ve decided to disconnect from my mom so that I am able to move forward. I went to Cost0 with Bailey and we were talking about her mom dying and how her mom, like mine, never took the opportunity to heal. Without thinking, I got really excited and exclaimed, “maybe my mom and your mom are in Heaven together!” and then it hit me, my mom isn’t dead. We both took it with stride and giggled, but also realized just how much I have disconnected from her. I miss her, but can’t have her in my life and I have accepted that. As for the regression, it hit after Zhanna came home from a 2 week trip. Bailey and I had a great 2 weeks with only a few little bumps, but when Zhanna came home my old fears set in and I was afraid Bailey was going to stop loving me just because Zhanna is home. I was okay at first, but then Bailey brought up me being able to go to her house and asked Zhanna if she had shown me the stuff she bought on her trip, implying that I went in the house. It was a slip and she felt bad but it triggered me so quickly that I didn’t have time to catch myself and stop myself from regression. I shut down and was only there physically. Bailey got really upset which in-turn made me upset. It always takes things like this happening for my walls to finally come down. It takes things like Bailey having to push me to my bare limit before I am able to actually communicate my feelings. Its frustrating. I hate it because it’s raw and a lot of the times I just want to kill her, literally. She has a way of pushing every button inside of me. It’s annoying. We are okay now and even though I am still jealous of Zhanna for having everything I’ve ever wanted, we are still best friends. I am able to eat again, for the most part. And I started more therapy today. Sometimes I wish I had the typical 21-year-old life: partying, going to school, trying to figure things out, going home, partying more, hanging out with friends, etc. But other times I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that I am a survivor, that I am going to make it in the crazy world, that one day I will hold all the keys in my heart and walk the Earth in pride and knowledge assisting others in their own journey. I will be okay and I’ll make it through whatever life throws at me, that’s just my personality and I’m sticking to it!

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Hello, again!

  1. Hey there, I really like the idea of finding a new word which doesn’t have all the old feelings attached. So I’ve got a few suggestions for you. How about – re-zoned or bounced or eighty sixed?
    None of them are permanent or negative. Have fun choosing. I hope you get a few more suggestions!! Glad to hear you are eating a bit and feeling like you are making progress.
    I think saying goodbye to your birth mother is a great big line in the sand – you taking control. Tough but doable and look…you did it! You are a survivor! Keep on surviving.

    1. Thanks, LMTF! I appreciate the suggestions, especially bounced. Not really sure what eighty-sixed means. Thanks for all your encouragement and support from afar! 🙂 It is truly appreciated.

  2. Love the post, hope all is well and thought the 1st comment had some great ideas for rewording. I am glad you are working through things and trying to move on. You are amazing and continue to be an example to me daily of strength.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s