Tonight, I am angry! I’m angry at Bailey, at Zhanna, at myself, and at the world. I don’t understand everything that is going on around me. I can’t control what’s going on, and quite honestly it scares me. I’m angry at Bailey because she knows how much I am struggling but she refuses to alter the boundaries she has set. I am angry at her because she refuses to be what I need her to be. I hate her because she pushes me to my breaking point over and over. I hate that she lives her life so easily and I have to struggle just to make mine work. I’m mad at her because she’s taking people’s places that she shouldnt be! I’m angry at her because she loves me. I’m angry at Zhanna. She is my best friend and at this moment, I resent her. She has so much, and doesn’t even realize it. She has a mom that would walk on water for her, she has a brother that would break down walls for her, she has a dad [albeit not the greatest], she has a home, food, love, an amazing school, a huge support system, and a family. She doesn’t have to work to keep those things, they are hers. They are things that will always be hers, yet she doesn’t know it. She has all of these things given to her freely while I  get to watch, wishing that I had the same. I’m mad at her because I know that no matter what her mom will always be there for her, mine wont. I hate being mad at her because she didn’t choose any of this for herself. She knows that I struggle and she tries to comfort me and so being mad at her makes me mad at myself. I’m mad at my mom because no matter how bad she is for my wellness, she worms her way back into my life. I hate her because she is using my sisters as bait to try to get me to reverse the truth. I hate her because to her I am nothing but dead unless she is using me to try to get her husband out of jail. I hate my adoptive parents because they aren’t here for me either. They chose to adopt me and promised to be there for me always and now, when I need them the most, they aren’t around. I am angry because they refuse to help supply me with the things I need for basic living; things like help with rent, medical bills, love, and believing in me. I hate them because I sit and watch them give their kids everything that I’ve always wanted, while I sit on the back-burner. I am angry at myself because for the first time in a really long time, I feel defeated. I am supposed to be reducing the stress in my life and it seems that the more I try to reduce it more is added on. I’m mad at myself because I have all these issues from growing up in such a screwed home. I hate myself because sometimes I can’t control how old I am; I can’t control which little girl needs help in the moment. I hate myself because I have these constant voices rattling in my head trying to control my thoughts and trying to make me do things I know will only hinder my progress. I am angry at myself because I can’t work 40 hours, which I so need, functionally. I’m mad that the world because out of all the things I’ve been through it chooses to keep handing me things 10 at a time. I’m mad at the world because it still thinks that I have more to learn. I am so ready to just give up and live my life the way I was raised. It was so much easier. I’m ready to just give in and become my mom because her consequences seem far more manageable than the undesirable things I feel right now. I’m ready to become her because it seems that people are quick to believe those who lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, give their kids away, protect pedophiles, etc. while they are slow to believe those who actually work towards life. This world seems so backwards right now that I’m not sure healing is worth it. Tonight, I could be the hulk I’m just that angry. I’m mad at the world, at Bailey, at Zhanna, at everyone  because I am so tired of being angry at myself, and for a little while, I need someone else to be angry at.

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4 thoughts on “Three Little Birds…

  1. Hello angry girl! I hope you are doing something physical to get all that anger out of your head. You’ve probably been told this many times before but I’m going to say it again – you can’t control the world. It’s exhausting to try to. Instead, put your amazing warrior spirit into the things you can control. What do you need to help you feel good? Sometimes it’s just the small things that make a big difference – a great song can change my mood in an instant. Certain smells can help me feel more calm and relaxed. Doing just one thing on my great big long and boring list of stuff to do makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere. When you are caught in a negative spin – stand your ground! You KNOW you are a good person who has been given a bad start to life. You have listed a lot of stuff that you don’t have – but there are things you DO have. You are smart. If that was the only thing you had – that would be enough. You have a voice. Sometimes it sounds like a little girl whose never been given a chance and sometimes it sounds like you have an incredible sense of self worth and you know that the future holds great things for you. You can use your voice. It’s OK to rage and rant about the things that you wish you could be different – but put that same energy into making things different. Nurture that treasure. Sending you lots of love from a million miles away.

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