“Everybody has a replacement…” December 8, 2011

I have found a replacement for every person in my life other than my mom. I have tried…I have failed…I have tried again, and to this day I think I still continue to try. There is a piece of me, a hole, that is voided and I keep trying to fill. A piece where my needs weren’t met, my basic means of communicating, effectively, weren’t taught, where love wasn’t filled. A place that my mom holds. Unfortunately, my Bailey gets a lot of the fall out for that. She has to, well chooses to, take the fallout for when I have a nightmare or flashback. She is taking the fallout for me not knowing how to communicate my needs. She is taking the fallout of regulation and strategizing. She is taking the fallout for my mom not meeting my needs because those needs still need met. She doesn’t like it. And I fear soon, just like everyone else, she will get sick of it and walk away. I try and I try to take care of my own needs, however, in doing so I have only damaged myself worse. Instead of meeting my emotional needs I have shut them all down. I’ve created my own, safe little “world”. I’ve created my life so that it works for me…not so much so it works for her, or anybody else. I feel that no matter how hard I try, it’s never going to be good enough–for anyone. I have been able to function fairly well on my own for the past 21 years. I now feel like expectations are beyond reachable. I don’t feel like I can do all the things expected of me. I have pushed myself to the point of complete exhaustion in the past few months and more-so in the last 2-3 weeks… I have tried harder than I ever have to “fix” myself only to realize that I’m not broken. I have worked because I wanted to be a part of something, to feel like I belong somewhere and like someone wants me. I Bailey a question a while back that made me realize nothing is permanent. Things only last a short while and then they are gone. Not just changed, because things change on a daily basis, but gone. People move on. Everything can be found a replacement. Am I replaceable? Yes, very much so, and I will be replaced. Even if it’s five years from now and I am well enough to “be on my own”…I have always been capable of being on my own…I will still “need” someone to turn to and somewhere to belong, but I fear that I wont have that. The one solid in my life has kind of crumbled in front of me. I will be replaced by a close friend and then, just like everywhere else, I will be forgotten. First my mom did it, then my family, my foster parents, my caseworkers, my foster siblings, my adoptive family, and now–now the one person I find solace in, my sister. She says it’s not going to happen, that I’ll always be welcome in her life and that I’ll always be part of her life…but I’ve seen it already start to take place. Things have changed and she has pulled away, a lot! I don’t blame her…I just see it happening. She is in a “new stage” in her life. Logically, I am okay with it…emotionally, not so much! She tries telling me all the time that just because she is moving on doesn’t mean she is leaving me…but I don’t see it like that. Maybe I’m being selfish and greedy…I don’t know…but it doesn’t feel okay to know that within the next five years my place will be filled by someone else. Someone who is great, loving, caring, compassionate, and less needy. Someone who is not me–and there is nothing I can do about it
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