This post is a bit on the, how you say, strange side. It’s kind of sporadic and not my typical post. It is said that once a negative thought pops into your head you have only 30 seconds to change that. It’s hard. Not impossible, but tiring and hard. So, I decided I wanted to take readers into my mind for a semi-controlled 3 seconds.

Here goes:

Random. When the world believes you’re staying stuck…when the world believes you’re not moving forward…when half of that world has no idea where you’re at…when the one closest to you believes you do things to see if they’ll stay. I didn’t lock my keys in the car because I wanted her to rescue me, I locked them in there because I wasn’t paying attention. Because I was stressed. Because I was overwhelmed. Because I don’t usually lock my door. He was condescending. He was rude. I don’t like him.

Dad. Jeremy. I bet they were hurt. Why do they like little girls. Dad’s suck. They are dumb. I don’t want them to come here. I hope they don’t. What if they find me. If God doesn’t punish him, he will come back. I don’t disrespect people on purpose, please don’t hurt me.

Li-Li. I hope that her summer goes good. I wonder if her mom gets mad at her and wants to send her back like mine. I like her. She is fun to play with. She isn’t mean. I hope she can come here. I can’t wait to see her.

Alone. How can it? How can it make all the loneliness go away? How can it make the feeling of boredom go away. I hate being alone. It’s so boring.

Solitude. Did you ever wonder if anybody could hear you? If there is anyone out there that, for just one minute, could hear you? That no matter how loud your cry or how strong your plea, it seemed that you were still all alone.

Sisters. Mom.  Are they in jail? Where are they sleeping? Is she there for them like she wasn’t for me? I hated being a mom. I’m never being a mom. Mom’s suck. I hope she dies. They are idiots. They will rot in jail. I wish I could just get them and be their mom again, at least they were taken care of. They hate me. I was a horrible mom for them. I should have saved them when I had the chance.

Dad. Do you think he’s being punished up there? Does God punish bad people? Am I bad? Am I going to be punished for being like this? What if I die now? I don’t want to see him! What if he comes here in my sleep? Does God protect us from them?

Bailey. Is she really coming? Will she stay for a while or go back to her friends? If she gets married will she go away forever? Why does she love him more? What did I do? Can I go back soon?

Work. I get to see B . I like B. She is kinda funny. I wish the economy wasn’t so bad. I liked last summer better. Money is crazy. Will it always be like this? You missed the 30 seconds, you suck. That’s why no one wants you. You suck at changing your thoughts. No one wants a messed up freak. Your mom hates you because you could please her men. Too bad for you .Looks like you’ll never be good enough.

Li-Li. She loved the Hunger Games. I could win the Hunger Games. Life is the Hunger Games. I wonder if bad people touched her. She is sad. If i don’t make her happy she wont be my friend. I wish she was closer. I hope she likes me and doesn’t just pretend like everyone else.

Mom. Sisters. They will hate me forever. It’s okay. I don’t need them. But are they okay? They are smart. They need to get out. She is a horrible influence. They’d be better dead. They should die. I want them to die.

Belief. Everyone thinks you’re a liar. No one cares if you die. You should die. Don’t you think life would be easier dead? Hello, the world hates you. You hate you. We hate you. The girls hate you. Stop trying to change the things that don’t need changed. You’re fine the way you are. We liked you screwed up.

Therapy. Do you know how annoying this is? Stop trying to change everything. Do you think if you’d have given them what they wanted you would have went to foster care. Did you really like what happened? Why did you let them call you all those bad names.

Bed. They’ll come if you sleep. Don’t sleep. Are you stupid. Sleep equals vulnerability. Dude, just draw. They will hurt you and you know that. They come every night. You can sleep later, do something else.

Tomorrow. Bailey. Is she coming? Is she going to forget about me? Is she going to be mad? I don’t want her to be mad? If I shut down she will be mad. If I say bad things she will be mad. I have to be happy so she wont be mad. Be happy.

…………………………….etc……………..etc………………..etc………………etc……………etc………etc……………………..

This is what happens in my mind non-stop from the time I wake up until my eyes finally close, and then it continues on into my dreams. So in a matter of 3 seconds I have a lot of little thoughts that I must catch and fix. Chatter galore. Negative galore. Heck, you could just call me Negative Nelly. Sometimes I just have to yell at myself and tell my brain to shut up. Something about yelling triggers me into shutting down rather quickly so even though the thoughts don’t stop, it’s a lot quieter as I numb myself to it. Tonight, I am glad that I have people in my life who are willing to teach me that these thoughts are irrational and absurd, and that those same people are willing to guide me through them and help me turn them around. I’m one blessed little girl {well, big girl}.

PS: please ignore any and all grammatical errors, it’s a semi-controlled thought process you’re dealing with today! 🙂

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