Truth is, that little white flag has my attention and has been singing to me, ever so softly, for weeks. I’m tired, worn-out, exhausted, bruised, battered, and kind of defeated. I feel like it’s a never-ending battle in attempt to win a war that isn’t really there. Frustrating. I think my mind needs to create a Peace C0rp within itself, no joke. Lately, I’ve been really discouraged in so many areas of my life. I know that I don’t have it “that” bad, that there are millions of others who have it worse than I, but it’s a lot. A long time ago, when I was a wee little one, I created a place where I could go when things became too difficult, a place where all was quiet and peaceful and I could be alone. Still to this day I have this place, I’ve referred to it as my “island” on here a few times, but it seems even being there isn’t helping. It’s as if it’s being taken over by all the things here, people here, problems here. It’s not so safe anymore. Fortunately, I also created a few buddies. Well, we will call them buddies anyway. I guess you could say they’ve been my best friends ever since I can remember, but in reality, they are more a nightmare, now. They get in the way of a lot of things and can sometimes hinder my healing. I feel like I’m losing Zhanna. She is more of a recluse and when she is faced with overwhelm she kind of disappears. So, not only is she reclusive, as am I, but I seem to be angry at her a lot more lately. Angry at her lack of ability to handle the small things life is throwing at her. And I hate that about myself. I’m losing Bailey. The longer the ban, the further apart we are drifting it seems. Li-Li is out of school now and I feel badly that I can’t just be there for her. Becca is so busy in her own life that there isn’t really time for  “us” anymore. So really, it’s as if I’m losing all the connections I’ve had for the past 10 months. It sucks. Somewhere in all of this there is a lesson, but I’m not seeing it. Therapy is not turning out as expected. I know that no one can fix me, that is my job, but I also know that I need help. I’ve been through therapy for 10 years now and still I feel like I’m failing at it, like there is something I’m not doing to make it work. I know that each therapist, and type of therapy, I have had has been a key component in my growth and healing, but when is enough, enough. I feel like I try really hard to make whatever therapy it is work, and in the end it’s not enough. With my recent therapist she feels that I may not be fit for this type of therapy just yet, that my emotional levels just do not meet par. My previous one also suggested, and I agree, that I’m “just not ready for her kind of therapy”. But how many layers are there. How many layers need peeled away before there is hope? I’ve been to traditional therapy, sand therapy, play therapy, horse therapy, mind-body therapy, ect. I’ve always known that in the end I’d be doing all of this alone, but I didn’t expect it to be so hard. Bailey tells me that it’s something that I need to accept it, that I need to realize that it may very well be forever that I am doing things on my own and pushing through life. The thing is, I don’t want to accept that. When she tells me that, sometimes all I hear is, “it’s okay that you don’t have a family to support you, you don’t need one” and other times, “you’re never going to have that supportive family, you just have to be okay with that”. To me, that’s not fair. I believe that EVERYONE should have a family, people to help them out…then I get mad because why should I be any different. I don’t know, I guess I’m just done. I know this is a really negative post and I’m sorry, but that white flag is just calling. I know that despite all of this negative there are positive things happening for me, and around me, but sometimes the negative things are just too big.

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3 thoughts on “Little White Flag

  1. I know I usually get on here and try to cheer you on with my little pep talks, but I want you to know that I do hear how tough it is for you. Every day sounds like a marathon, just to get through it acting like a ‘normal’ person. You deserve a family – blood or otherwise – who love and care about you regardless of whether you are having a good day or are a big, heaving mess on the floor. I can tell you though that things do change and that we have the potential to create the futures we dream of. Some of the most amazing people are those who have beaten the odds, risen above the shitty circumstances they’ve been dealt with and found a way to have a meaningful, loving and happy life. I think you can be one of those amazing people. You have some heavy challenges to work through, but every day that you get through is a step towards the dreams you map out for yourself.

    1. Hey LMTF,
      Thanks. I do want you to know, thought, that I do appreciate your little pep talks. It seems I’ve been needing them more often than not lately. I really am doing well, it just seems that the littlest things have the greatest potential at triggering me, as of recent. More anger is surfacing and life does continue on like a marathon. Like seriously, I’m pretty sure we could make a reality tv show out of my life! HAHA. I don’t THINK I can be one of those amazing people, I KNOW I can-and I will-be one of them.

      1. Actually, I think you might already be one of them!! You will find good people to share your life with. None of us are perfect or have perfect lives, but those of us who work hard to get through all our ‘stuff’ are reaching for more and for better lives. Keep that vision and those goals in your focus every day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other – you’ll get there!!

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