Sometimes a promise is best when it’s broken because an unbroken promise, forced, is like cutting yourself and the recipient over and over. ~Casey

It’s said that to gain relationship, or really anything worthwhile in life, you must take a chance and trust in a person. Reject rejection. When things do go south, you pick yourself back up, dust off, get up, and do it again. Losing so many people tends to have the opposite effect on a person. Many, many youth and adults in my situation tend to lose hope after a while. I’ve been there, in fact I’m almost there tonight. That’s why I’m doing this post, kinda talk myself out of losing hope. You see, for me, having a relationship, period, is pretty painful. I don’t really like it, I crave it, but I continue to stand back up and take another chance. Doing so can really wear you out though. Taking that chance is one of the hardest things to do because often you finally allow yourself to open up and trust a person, then they start to change and you’re not quite ready for that change, so you get hurt. As I analyze the relationships I have now I realize that they are dwindling. I feel things heading south more often than not. With Bailey, it’s really prominent. Well, subtly prominent. She is slowly, whether consciously or subconsciously, pulling back. It’s little things that started at the kick out. First she was angry so every visit was awkward and a bit unsettling. She makes little promises and breaks them. She starts taking things, like waking me up, out of our routine. I’m scheduled. She chooses object’s over me. I’m not really invited to “family” functions anymore unless Zhanna asks. I guess, in reality, it’s part of life, people move on, moving to different stages of life but I’m not ready. This change is unsettling because instead of including me, it’s kind of taking me out of the picture. Throughout this little process, I’ve allowed myself to get knocked down and hurt only to stand up and push past it, take another chance, in hopes that I wont get hurt again. But, it just keeps happening. As of late, it seems that she is taking the goodnight out of our routine. She “falls asleep before she gets the chance”. Understandable, she’s a working, busy woman. But the problem is, I’m struggling to trust that it’s not going to become a habit as she promises it wont. A part of me feels that she is intentionally doing little things to see if I can handle it. I can deal if it does, but that’s part of my routine. The more I fall down, the more I feel her pushing me away, the more I distance myself from her, the more I allow myself to push her away, without fighting to stop myself. This usually happens when she is dating so you think that I’d be used to it, but I’m not, it just makes trusting her all the harder.  I don’t know what our relationship is anymore but it’s getting harder and harder to pick myself up from that fall and trust that it’s going to last. I feel like it’s as if the only reason she is staying is because she promised me that she would never leave me, and in that case it’s not worth it because being a forced promise is like getting cut every time it’s repeated. Even with Zhanna things have gotten a little bumpy. I am not so much worried about her and my relationship, I trust that it will last. She gets stressed and withdraws but she comes back around.  The kick out has definitely changed our relationship though. I find that we are more angry at each other, me because she has everything I never had and doesn’t realize it, her because we can’t hang out and she feels like I am more important to Bailey than she. That made me sad because there was so much pain but I would never in a million years be able to convince her otherwise. The only sure thing she has against me is that Bailey is her mom and loves her more than anyone on this planet so Bailey wont leave her, and she knows that. She has mentioned to me, especially a lot lately, that she feels that her mom will leave me. That too makes it difficult to pick myself up and allow myself to trust Bailey again. So where do I go from here? I’m not sure, if this relationship falls through, I will be able to allow myself the opportunity to make new ones. Without out it, I have enough. My life is okay with or without it, and that’s something I think she and I need to realize. My life’s blessed. I have a house, a car, a job, and myself-more than a lot of people on this destitute planet. In reality, I don’t need anyone or anything else. But, I think for now I will do my best to get back up and take another chance because something in it seems worth it.


4 thoughts on “Taking Chances

  1. This post brings up a lot of issues doesn’t it? Resilience – the ability to be able to get back up again, to continue to believe in yourself despite the circumstances, to take the hits that life brings and learn from them and let them help you to be a better person with better relationships and a better balance in life. You’ve GOT resilience – to be where you are right now, you have had to have it. You need a deep well of resilience to call on because of your life experiences so far.
    Relationships – they are always a work in progress. Nothing ever stays the same. And when all you want is a little stability in your life (something we usually rely on family for) relationships change. I may be wrong, but it sounds to me like Bailey is changing in her relationship with you (whether she is wanting to acknowledge it or not). That does not mean your relationship is broken or finished – it’s just changing. The harder you grip onto the old format of your relationship, the more she will pull away. As hard as it might be to do – if you give her your understanding that this is what she needs to do, even though it makes it hard for you, that will release some of the pressure this relationship is under.
    I think back to when I was your age – the friends that I had in my life were SO important. They helped me to grow and mature in so many ways and I look back on them with love. But they are not the most important people in my life now. In fact there have been so many people who have passed in and out of my life over the years and have taught me so many things. Some I just drifted away from, some walked out on me, some I decided were not worth my time or love. Some have hung in there – close at times, far away at others and these are the people who are part of my family.
    We all need people. Our lives shouldn’t just be about surviving. Any chance you can squeeze some fun into your schedule? I’ve got no idea what is fun for you, but even if it’s just doing the craziest dance to a favourite song when you are home alone – make yourself laugh, find a little joy somewhere and then tell me about it!

  2. Thanks, LMTF. Actually, I have to give an update for this post before I get into your comment. When I wrote this I was in a dark place and had been for the week prior. Sunday night I had a MAJOR meltdown. As I read back through this, I see that my perception can be very blaming and off. My and Bailey’s relationship is changing. We still have our goofy, loving sister relationship, but the more that I work on my past stuff the more I place her into my mom’s roll. A lot of the anger that and blame for her leaving and stuff comes from things my mom did and still does. The one part that sticks out is that she is intentionally doing these things, she’s not. Her and I talk about these things often, things like our relationship, emotions, and junk and when I tell her that I feel that she is intentionally pulling away I can see a sadness in her eyes! {it’s kind of creepy actually!} So, that perspective usually comes off as one from the past being passed on to Bailey. {PS… I think I’ll do this as a next blog post! (: }

    Relationships stink…haha that’s all I have to say to your comment about them. They are complicated, yet desirable at times. I’ll also do another blog post {i’ve already started a while back} talking about the stuff I like to do and stuff. I love to dance, though I’m not the greatest, and hang with Zhanna, draw, paint, and clean! 🙂 I’ll tell ya more about it later! Thanks for your encouraging comment.

  3. That’s what I like about you! You have the ability – despite everything – to reflect. Yeah relationships stink! I totally get that, but they also keep us alive. Can’t wait to hear about the things that inspire and release you.

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