Sometimes a promise is best when it’s broken because an unbroken promise, forced, is like cutting yourself and the recipient over and over. ~Casey
It’s said that to gain relationship, or really anything worthwhile in life, you must take a chance and trust in a person. Reject rejection. When things do go south, you pick yourself back up, dust off, get up, and do it again. Losing so many people tends to have the opposite effect on a person. Many, many youth and adults in my situation tend to lose hope after a while. I’ve been there, in fact I’m almost there tonight. That’s why I’m doing this post, kinda talk myself out of losing hope. You see, for me, having a relationship, period, is pretty painful. I don’t really like it, I crave it, but I continue to stand back up and take another chance. Doing so can really wear you out though. Taking that chance is one of the hardest things to do because often you finally allow yourself to open up and trust a person, then they start to change and you’re not quite ready for that change, so you get hurt. As I analyze the relationships I have now I realize that they are dwindling. I feel things heading south more often than not. With Bailey, it’s really prominent. Well, subtly prominent. She is slowly, whether consciously or subconsciously, pulling back. It’s little things that started at the kick out. First she was angry so every visit was awkward and a bit unsettling. She makes little promises and breaks them. She starts taking things, like waking me up, out of our routine. I’m scheduled. She chooses object’s over me. I’m not really invited to “family” functions anymore unless Zhanna asks. I guess, in reality, it’s part of life, people move on, moving to different stages of life but I’m not ready. This change is unsettling because instead of including me, it’s kind of taking me out of the picture. Throughout this little process, I’ve allowed myself to get knocked down and hurt only to stand up and push past it, take another chance, in hopes that I wont get hurt again. But, it just keeps happening. As of late, it seems that she is taking the goodnight out of our routine. She “falls asleep before she gets the chance”. Understandable, she’s a working, busy woman. But the problem is, I’m struggling to trust that it’s not going to become a habit as she promises it wont. A part of me feels that she is intentionally doing little things to see if I can handle it. I can deal if it does, but that’s part of my routine. The more I fall down, the more I feel her pushing me away, the more I distance myself from her, the more I allow myself to push her away, without fighting to stop myself. This usually happens when she is dating so you think that I’d be used to it, but I’m not, it just makes trusting her all the harder. I don’t know what our relationship is anymore but it’s getting harder and harder to pick myself up from that fall and trust that it’s going to last. I feel like it’s as if the only reason she is staying is because she promised me that she would never leave me, and in that case it’s not worth it because being a forced promise is like getting cut every time it’s repeated. Even with Zhanna things have gotten a little bumpy. I am not so much worried about her and my relationship, I trust that it will last. She gets stressed and withdraws but she comes back around. The kick out has definitely changed our relationship though. I find that we are more angry at each other, me because she has everything I never had and doesn’t realize it, her because we can’t hang out and she feels like I am more important to Bailey than she. That made me sad because there was so much pain but I would never in a million years be able to convince her otherwise. The only sure thing she has against me is that Bailey is her mom and loves her more than anyone on this planet so Bailey wont leave her, and she knows that. She has mentioned to me, especially a lot lately, that she feels that her mom will leave me. That too makes it difficult to pick myself up and allow myself to trust Bailey again. So where do I go from here? I’m not sure, if this relationship falls through, I will be able to allow myself the opportunity to make new ones. Without out it, I have enough. My life is okay with or without it, and that’s something I think she and I need to realize. My life’s blessed. I have a house, a car, a job, and myself-more than a lot of people on this destitute planet. In reality, I don’t need anyone or anything else. But, I think for now I will do my best to get back up and take another chance because something in it seems worth it.