I don’t really know what to write about tonight. I kinda feel like my brain is moving a million miles an hour and my fingers are silent. Not a good mix. Anyway…let’s see if we can make this work. So, my last post was pretty negative in regard to Bailey, Zhanna, and life in general. I often find myself buried in the pits of a really dark place and can’t seem to find my way out without having a breakdown. I had one. It was ugly. Things worked out. After the breakdown, and I have processed, I start to feel a little more peaceful, relatively speaking. For the past week, Monday – about Thursday evening, I felt relatively okay. My anger wasn’t so controlling. My body wasn’t on extreme alert. It was kind of nice, but my body had different plans. My body is so used to chaos and turmoil that even the slightest sign of fortitude or being okay sends it into major overwhelm and anxiety. So the anger has begun to build, again, and my anxiety seems to have peaked on overload again. I’ve been struggling since Thursday evening. It gets kind of frustrating at times because I have to fight so hard to be okay. I wake up in the morning and tell myself that I am okay. My body refuses and fights me. It doesn’t like to be okay. Okay means different, different means vulnerable, vulnerability means getting hurt again. It cycles and so I fight. I don’t have to fight, I could just as easily throw my hands up and call it quits, but I do because I want to be okay in this world and not have to depend on other things to make me feel better. Tonight I was struggling for a lot of different reasons. Sometimes I get really jealous of when Bailey spends alone time with Zhanna. This is the turmoil my body and thoughts tend to create.  Logically I understand that Bailey gives as much as she can to me, but because Zhanna gets more I get mad. It’s kind of sad–selfish really. So when Bailey and I Skype’d, she asked why I was upset. I told her that I have struggled with her absence lately. I don’t really like telling her these things because sometimes I feel like it hurts her feelings. She seemed a bit hurt tonight, like I’m not grateful for what she does give. I am grateful for what she gives but it doesn’t dwindle the burning of my unmet needs, needs that were meant to be met by my mom. It makes me really mad at my mom because had she done her job, I wouldn’t be in this position and neither would Bailey. I feel bad for Bailey because it is always placed on her. If anyone, she has definitely portrayed the true meaning of unconditional love. She is pretty much committed to me for life, I think. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is very unsettling and annoying. I have attacked her, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and she continues to fight for me. As of late, we have come up with a plan on attacking my anger. I will post about my anger, soon. It involves a lot of physical exertion, more so than what I already do, and it’s terrifying. Right now I use Mr. Slammy {a medicine ball} and a punching bag AT LEAST once a day, but the results are wearing off as my body is becoming adept to them. Also, doing it alone just makes the anger cycle. So, because my body is an extremist, we’ve decided to bring it to the next level. {I’ll explain in a later post} There are a ton of logistics to figure out before we even attempt it, but we hoping that this is the key to a lot of my healing. I really believe it is. I’m excited, and terrified. And now I’m going to go work on turning this turmoil back around, night y’all.

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