I think I’ve figured it out! I know the reason NO therapy is helping, thanks to Zhanna. Tonight she, Becca, and I went to a lecture hosted by Dr. Art Martin. If you don’t know who he is look him up. Anyway, he talks a lot about the reason things happen to us, and how to fix it through brain dialogue. Things such as: cancer, bone issues, diabetes, constant illness, car accidents, locking keys in the car while you’re at the movies, etc. It was interesting and both Zhanna and Bailey have worked personally with Dr. Art Martin and have liked the results. On the way home from this lecture Zhanna and I started talking about my process and where it’s going. She talked about how growing up I never had the things a child needs, ie: a mom, love, help, someone guiding me, support, childhood, etc, and how I crave it so badly now. It was in this area that we went our separate ways with how I’ve dealt with it. I have never had those things, the things that help a child to develop neuro-typically, and I have needed them so I created it through myself. I created entities to do the things that others should have done for me and performed the tasks myself, minus the love, maybe! Her idea was more that I try to create people, in reality, to do these things for me but that those people just can’t, period, and that is why my battle is so hard. Both very plausible and true, because honestly my girlie’s are tired and angry. It was frustrating for me to hear some of the things she had to say because it was partially triggering. I don’t like myself, Ruby, that is no secret. Ruby has a lot of symbolism behind it that isn’t okay. Zhanna asked me what I was trying to change about myself and I answered, “Everything, I don’t want to be the things my name symbolize.” I don’t want to be dumb. I don’t want to be a whore. I don’t want to be known as the girl who will never get better. I don’t want to be the girl with all the disorders or who doesn’t fit in. I don’t want to be the RAD child, the loser, the one who screws everything and every family up. I don’t know who I want to be, but I’m tired of being the “traumatized child”. Then I realized that I am these things because there is a part of me, consciously even, that believes that I don’t deserve to be better than what I, myself, and other people have labeled me. There is a massive part of me that doesn’t want to get better because being this negatively portrayed, traumatized child is who I have always been and it is who I have let myself believe others to see. It’s a very conscious part of me that I battle with every day because there is an even bigger part of me that wants to be better, whatever better looks like. I go to these therapy sessions and none of it’s working. I don’t know who I, Ruby, am. I don’t know who Bri is. I know Bri is angry and hurt. She wants to fight and hurt others because she doesn’t know what else to do and the pain is unbearable. I know that Sissy is a baby and that she cries but her needs are rarely met so at times she is inconsolable. I know that Kristina is silly and goofy. I know Haileey is really quite, yet smart and talented in her words, wise beyond her years. But I don’t know who they are, I don’t know who I am.  I know that they make up a portion of who I am, but it takes knowing them–truly–to even know myself, and I am afraid of that. I know that getting better means discovering who I really am and sometimes I worry that I won’t like who I find. So my brain, even at a conscious level, tells me that it’s okay, even better, to stay where I am because change is scary and my life is working at a somewhat functional level, and it is. I function very well in day-to-day things thanks to Casey, Bri, and all the other girlies. But I’m not happy. I’m not okay. There is still a part of me that is trapped deep, deep down that wants to believe I deserve every bit of pain that has been, is being, and will be inflicted upon me. A part of me that believes I don’t deserve happiness. Most of my consciousness believes otherwise, but that part of me that does believe that I can and will get better dwindles often. This is why none of the therapies are working, because part of me doesn’t want to be better. So, maybe I need to take time off, I don’t know. I don’t know what my next step is, finding myself, maybe? I know that this is going to be the battle of all battles. Am I prepared? Am I ready to face the things that are holding me back? Am I ready to leap full force into this war and never look back? Am I ready to let everything go and just be okay, finally?


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