This post is kind of a “tid-bits” post because I thought I’d share a bit of my rage and how bad things can, and at times do, get around here. I do live by myself and I get overwhelmed very easily. This past week I had a lot happening with my roommate moving out, Bailey’s friend coming into town, work, meetings, meeting with potential roommates, and I was just angry. Well, I don’t usually share my anger with people I don’t know. Usually my anger “victims” are Bailey and Becca. On Tuesday, Bailey had helped me process through some of my mom’s stuff. Intense. I was really dysregulated and not feeling well afterward. I couldn’t sleep when I got home and had therapy soon after. In therapy I was unable to follow what the therapist was suggesting. EVERYTHING that came out of her mouth came into my head negatively. She talked about my girlies and bringing them together to work as one instead of having this raging battle inside of me where tons of little, and big, girls are fighting for control. All I heard was, “let’s get rid of them”. She talked about why trust ie so important in EMDR and hypnotherapy. All I heard was, “you don’t trust me so I can’t do it and you’re stuck like this forever…” That is literally the way my brain rolls at times. It doesn’t matter what you say and how positively it is said, it is internalized negatively because of my state of overwhelm. Well, I never worked through the overwhelm and Wed I talked to my A.Dad, things didn’t go smoothly. By Thursday I had a pile of things that just were not working and I had internalized so many negative things that my brain was spinning in CrazyTown. I had a mental breakdown at work, which never happens. I got really upset with Becca for trying her best to support me. I tried to work out of it but ended up worse. By the end of the evening I was in ruins. My mind was in a place where I was either going to hurt myself or someone else, and by hurting I mean seriously damaging. My mind goes to this place of absolute terror where the only way out is by hurting something. That’s why I cut. If I cut it releases some of the tension to kill. I know, that’s scary, but it is my reality and I have learned to cope with it in a way that keeps others safe. Anyway, I was to that point and instead of hurting myself I reached out for help. I texted Becca and told her I needed to talk and that I needed to hurt myself. It’s odd for me to feel anything because I have been so void my entire life, I don’t really like it. Sometime in the conversation, as I was talking about my mom, Becca told me to make a list of 10 things that show me I’m from a dysfunctional family, thus the reason I have these feelings. It seems, logically, that this would be counterproductive, but it worked. It pulled me pretty far out of my funk and into a place where I could think and decipher the difference between CrazyTown and NormalVille. I wanted to share the list with you. It’s funny to me because this was my life and the list came so naturally. It’s sad, but I can’t help but realize how silly my family really was.


1. You can count on your mom to give you crack

2. You test your mom’s anger level towards you by asking for crack, if she says no you better hide

3. Your best memory is of your mom white-washing you because she was mad

4. People see squirrels that aren’t really there

5. There is a lab in your bathroom that brings big business

6. You think it’s normal to make phone calls at 3:00 am to tell people to get out of your house

7. You think that buttwipe is an endearing term

8. Showering ONLY for meetings is acceptable

9. You’ve eaten cat and dog food for breakfast

10. You have your own riddle explaining your position of birth-order


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