It’s been a rough few weeks in my neck of the woods. Life has kind of taken me by the foot and dragged me to lengths that I didn’t know existed. Last Friday, soon after I wrote my latest post, I tried killing myself. I was kind of tired of having to fight so hard just to live and I felt it better to have been gone. I wasn’t thinking very clearly and it didn’t really matter to me who I left behind, because they are the ones that I felt I was holding back. Eight years ago, right around the 4th of July {July 3rd to be exact}, my mom and step-dad almost killed me and that too played a big role in why I decided it was time. I was tired of having flashback after flashback of near death, people hurting me, my mom laughing as Unakite was ‘pleasing” himself, being beat, going to school and being taunted, guns to my head, etc. I was just tired. It didn’t work, obviously, because I’m still here. Bailey came over that night to make sure I was okay. I debated telling her that I tried offing myself. Eventually, I did. I was so upset it hadn’t worked. I kept repeating my frustration, trying to hold back the tears of anger, oblivious to the things Bailey was feeling. She left after a while and for the remainder of the night I was in the bathroom dry heaving. I don’t know what her thoughts were but I know that it really upset her because still, to this day, I can feel the tension. I wanted to die, again, on Saturday but didn’t want to risk the chance that it might fail so I called Becca. Bailey was unavailable. It was much easier to deal with the thoughts of death with Becca, because she seemed to understand it at a deeper level than Bailey was able. It was difficult reaching out to Becca because Bailey has been my anchor for so long and to admit that I finally found her weakness was almost unbearable.  It wasn’t what I was trying for. I wanted to be dead. End of story. I didn’t think about leaving Bailey, Zhanna, Becca, or Li-Li sad in their own grief. They have been the rock in which I have fallen for so long. Instead I thought of leaving them with peace in knowing that they are free and no longer held back. I don’t know if Bailey truly understands the depth of pain I was feeling to want to take my life so badly. She could only muster a 15 minute visit each day opposed to the hour offered and in her visit she was all logic. She kept telling me that I have to choose to live or die, bringing up my job and it’s standing, things that already stress me to the max.  But she couldn’t see past her fear of me failing. I’m certain Bailey doesn’t understand much of it, so it’s a hard road coming. It’s a road that, if ever ventured upon again, I wont able to discuss with her and that’s hard. It was much easier to openly talk with Becca. She seemed to have understood more at an emotional level. For the first time I felt that I was able to talk to her freely and actually connect at a really, really deep level. She and I talk often but it’s surface stuff, I never know how to talk about the big stuff with her. I worry about putting more pressure on her, giving her more of my sorrow, allowing her into my heart because every time I open my heart, and let someone into the depths of it, I get hurt. I don’t want to lose that connection with her. I liked being able to talk to her about something so big and feeling like, for once, someone truly understood and didn’t judge me for feeling that way. A part of me wishes that night didn’t end; not because of the hurt but  because I felt safe with her, safer than I’ve felt in months. I didn’t have to hide my depth of hurt or bury the shame in my failure, she seemed to understand. She was calm, sad, and level-headed but allowed me to be angry at my failure. She just was.  It’s hard for me to deal with the repercussions because what do you tell someone after you try to kill yourself? How do you  explain to someone the pain you feel that makes you that miserable? How do you let someone know that it wasn’t about them? How do you make amends to someone you thought you would be giving freedom? How do you begin a life that was meant to be lived?

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3 thoughts on “Flat Line

  1. I’m so glad you found someone you could talk to in a way that was safe for you. I’m sure you’ve tried therapy in the past, but is there a way you can talk to someone who is able to help you get down to those big issues that keep dragging you down? It’s really a tough call for friends to know the best way to support you through your own personal minefield. I’m sure you know all this, but sometimes, it’s worth trying again, in a different way.
    I hope you find a way that is right for you. I really do!

    1. Bailey is actually a social worker. She used to be my therapist, that is how we met. I can usually talk to her about the bigger things but as of late she has pulled back and would rather just be friends. She doesn’t want to do the therapeutic stuff anymore. 😦 Becca too is a LCSW. I go to therapy once a week and do talk about some of the stuff…but none of that seems to be helping either. I’m going right now to work towards doing EMDR. mostly the things that drag me down is having so many people inside of me and having constant flashbacks.

      1. It sounds to me like you need more specialist support. I strongly believe that there should be a line between your professional support/therapists and friends. You need your friends to just love you and care about you and be there for you, but your therapists are there with a job to do – help you to work through the big issues and find some peace, some happiness and resolution in your life.
        You need someone who has specialist skills in dealing with the kind of experiences you have and the resulting issues you are experiencing. I’m sure it’s horrible to think of having to go through the whole thing with someone new, but if they can help you to move forward, then it’s got to be worth it, yeah? I’ve read a little about EMDR – it sounds pretty good. I hope that they consider you to be an appropriate candidate for the treatment. It does say that they will assess your support network and their capacity to help you through this process.
        I know I’m just a commenter out here in the ether, but sometimes having a bit of distance helps to see things from a different perspective. I’ve got no good reason to buy in to your troubles, but just just want to offer you my friendship and support even though it’s online and time delayed and all that. I don’t expect anything at all in return, I’m not religious, not trying to save you or anything like that. I just want you to know that I can be a listening ear for you when you need it, when you feel like somethings are too horrific to say and when you feel alone.

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