Re-wiring a brain is tough work. Too bad there isn’t like a technician to do it surgically, like we do for computers. But seriously. It’s like there are constantly battles going on inside. To be honest, I’ve always had these battles but they just intensify the more I try to heal. I am a big people watcher. I blame a lot of my success on this because I have learned to take the actions that I like from strangers, as growing up no one had healthy actions, and throw away the ones I don’t like. From the time I was little I knew I never wanted to be like the people who failed at raising me, but believed that all adults were like my parents, and that I wanted to be different. I didn’t want to hurt people because I didn’t like the way it felt. My plan didn’t work so well because I have hurt more people than I’d like to believe. Though I have all of those wonderful antics and actions that I’ve picked up from complete strangers, I also have the ability to deeply hurt people by pushing them away, and often do. It’s a subconscious part of me that seems to like the control. So there’s this battle and as I learn, from Bailey and Becca, new ways to rid my subconscious mind of the desire to push people away my brain pushes back and tells me that everything I am learning is wrong. It’s almost like the adult vs. child battle. The adult always wins–the adult being my old, terribly wired brain, the child the new tools and wires being implemented. This is something I so wish my adoptive parents truly understood–the process of re-wiring.  They know that I know what is wrong with me. They know that I know what I need to do to fix my brain. They know that I understand trauma and the disorders I have. So, because they know I know all of this, they believe that I am just being lazy and wanting to stay stuck. The truth is, they have it completely backwards, I work so hard to become unstuck. I do know what needs to be done, but they don’t understand how overwhelm affects the logic of the brain. I logically know that when I get overwhelmed I need to color, draw, blog, or breathe, but in the moment none of those things work. In the moment all I can do is shut down or get angry. I have gotten better and able to self-regulate a little better, but still I am unable to get myself out of overwhelm. I know logically that when I am angry all I have to do is use my words, but I can’t, they don’t seem to come. Instead I become volatile, nasty and often violent. This is where the battle is. My heart knows the right thing. My brain is working on knowing the right thing. But the 21 years of wiring that is already there fights so hard to reject the re-wiring–the love, the hope, the joy. So it’s tiring. It’s confusing. Oh boy is it ever confusing, not just internally but externally. It’s frustrating, overwhelming, satisfying, joyful, sorrowful, and just all around difficult. When I grow up, I’m going to invent the “re-wiring brain surgery” so that other people don’t have to suffer so much with the effects of re-wiring the brain. Heck, we could do it in a computer, why not the brain too?

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