I’m kind of in a rut right now. I’m having a really hard time knowing what’s right from wrong. I don’t really know how to explain it…but it’s tearing me apart. In the last 12 months I have heard numerous times that what the people in my past did to me was wrong, horrible, and not okay. But because I have the tendency to push people away, it’s all happening again. It seems like it’s a step-by-step processes: 1) the honeymoon stage, 2) The comfort stage, 3) the resistance stage, 4) the comfort stage 5) the push away stage, 6) the comfort/more relaxed stage, 7) the push away stage, and 8) leaving. This has been the process with every single family I have lived with. This is the thing that I have been told is wrong to leave because of. So, I’m lost. This process has taken place again only the person leaving expects that it’s okay. She tells me that it was done out of good reasoning, “tough-love”, and teaching appropriate boundaries. I still talk to her. I still do my best to be in a relationship with her, but like the others, we cannot continue our relationship until I can prove that I am able to “handle” it. But I’m not given the chance to prove that I have changed. With both this situation and my adoptive situation I am not allowed back into a physical, in the present relationship until I am able to prove that I am capable of handling it, properly. The problem is, is that I don’t have that opportunity to prove that I am able to handle it or the chance to show that I have changed. Now my brain is in a tizzy, fighting over what’s right and what’s wrong. Bailey expects that I see this as a guide to appropriate boundary setting and tough love, but for 12 months she was against it, telling me it was not okay.  My brain is flustered because every reason Bailey gave is every reason my adoptive’s gave, yet one is right and one is wrong?  So how does it work. Do I walk away, again, or do I stick it out? Do I continue this test that I don’t have the material for or do I turn the test in half finished? Because of the many wonderful things that Bailey has done for me, do I excuse this departure? Should I see this loss differently than every other time? Is it different than any other time? Is it right for me to still believe that Bailey is a fantastic person who, despite the many times promised, made this decision? I do believe Bailey is great. I believe my adoptive parents are great. They all love me, they have all helped me greatly, and they all have big hearts…but what am I supposed to believe. I so wish this test had materials to study… that I didn’t have such a tendency to push people away… and that for once, my life could just be quiet.

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3 thoughts on “Double Sided Sticky Tape

  1. it seems that the problem with double-sided sticky tape – that to almost everything there is a Yin and Yang. I looked around for a couple minutes and know there is more and better definitions out there … but as just this thought …

    “Yin & Yang are Co-Arising and Interdependent:

    The curves and circles of the Yin-Yang symbol imply a kaleidoscope-like movement. This implied movement represents the ways in which Yin and Yang are mutually-arising, interdependent, and continuously transforming, one into the other. One could not exist without the other, for each contains the essence of the other. Night becomes day, and day becomes night. Birth becomes death, and death becomes birth (think: composting). Friends become enemies, and enemies become friends. Such is the nature – Taoism teaches – of everything in the relative world.”

    http://taoism.about.com/od/visualsymbols/p/YinYang.htm

    Believe me … it’s not that I believe or don’t believe any religion … it’s just that its helped me in the past to see change – as opposites propelling the other forward … it’s like a fluid movement. Just another thought to ponder my dear … Hehehe Hey almost the weekend!

    Our best,
    Anns

  2. Ahh … I just about missed it … but your Blog title … Trauma to treasure … maybe you already then know about yin and yang?

    🙂
    Anns

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