I want to write, again, because it’s my way of processing, but I don’t really know what to say. It was rough day today. There is so much confusion and uncertainty happening around me and I’m not able to process it thoroughly. My brain isn’t wrapping around idea’s and comments being thrown my way. My body is slowly withering again. Every piece of me is “lost”. I feel like I’m walking around in a world that doesn’t understand me and quite honestly, I don’t understand it. Idea’s and concepts get thrown around but no one seems to abide by the ones they preach. People lie. Because of the innate fear of hurting loved ones, people come up with little white lies. Sometimes those little white lies become more damaging than a big lie. I feel pretty numb. My body has returned to it’s shut down, automatic, mode. I don’t like it. I hear success stories of people who have done this “therapy”, so I proceed. It’s not enough. I’ve been identified as unsuccessful and the faith that was once there has dissipated. I feel pretty alone, again. I get discouraged at the thought of failing others expectations, knowing full well that life will go on. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t smart, I wish I was dumb. Maybe then others wouldn’t expect so much and my failure levels wouldn’t be out the roof. Each person who has lost faith in me has blessed me with the fire to move forward. Each trial I have been through has set me up to succeed in a later happening. Each decision I make is crucified by my IQ. Though irrational and totally crazy, I sometimes wish I was from a different country, adopted from an orphanage instead of the states system. I don’t understand why people deal with things that they don’t like for so long and then once that thing starts to change the person freaks out and leaves. Being unjustly blamed has become a pattern. It seems that everyone has something that breaks them. Yes, even the most tough, mean, strong people. Am I wrong for writing all of this? Is it not okay for someone to have a day here and there where thinking isn’t 100% positive. Is that even possible? It seems that people like to compare their life stories. The problem with that is that we all have different levels of trials and triumphs, so what is hard for me might not be hard for you. It seems to have become a current muse in this neck of the woods. Because so and so was  healed completely, minus a few hit and miss issues, I should be able to heal equally. Please don’t hold me to your healing  journey, this is mine. I think once a perception of someone is made, it is kind of stuck with them. Really. My childhood best friend and I became friends because of our hair. That has always stuck with us. Now she is a druggy and even when she gets better it’s hard to see the real her. It’s a bummer. Harsh judgement. As crude as this sounds, I wish my mom would die. Not in a horrible way, but because I know she wouldn’t have to suffer so much. If this relationship never mends, I will have lost one of my best friends, the one person who knows the most about me, literally. Sometimes I feel like I’m just a guinea pig in a study to see how people handle this much stress and loss. If so, I hope the study ends soon, I’m kind of tired of losing people. I’m a bit nervous about this therapist. He is said to work miracles, and to some I am the miracle to prove. I don’t want to be considered a miracle. I just want to be considered a girl who did her best, tried her hardest, and got through a really hard phase. I don’t like being told it will take a miracle to fix me. It kind of makes me feel like there is no hope in my healing. I work at a job that’s oxymoronic to my history. Never received love so go into a field in which you are required to give your whole heart. I guess it’s a good lesson. Working an oxymoronic job kind of makes me laugh. Which reminds me, getting up at 5 am isn’t a good idea for me. That whole, “stress makes you stupid” motto becomes my reality. I learned that this morning when I showed up to work still in my pajamas. Thank goodness for keeping extra work clothes in my car. I think I’m ready to just let what happens happen. I’m okay if I lose the people I never wanted to lose. It’s life…and life goes on.

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2 thoughts on “another 30 second RAW view

  1. We’re thinking you are pretty hard pressed by others’ expectations. You ask beautiful questions of yourself and others that indicate for me – you are spot on with your thinkabililty … I know its not up to me to be the one who thinks that or not, because its what you value as important that is. Please know though … that you’ve got me smiling for the questions you ask and answer! I think it’s about curiosity – and you feel like one who will never settle for established thinking 🙂

    Our best,
    Anns

    http://newsdidmpd.blogspot.com
    http://annsmultipleworldofpersonality.blogspot.com

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