Honestly, I feel like banging my head on the wall. I’m SO confused, so frustrated, so I-don’t-know! Everything in my world seems to spin all the time. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Last night I realized something after listening to a conversation between my roommate and her parents. I realized that I’m being expected to fulfill something that no human can do: be respectful, polite, and pleasant ALL the time. Unfortunately I have never, in my life, seen anyone be respectful, polite, and pleasant all the time. People get dysregulated and do stupid things. We get upset and say things we don’t mean. I think it’s natural to have demeanor’s other than respectful, polite, and pleasant but, hey, I could be wrong. I can’t be super-woman and because I can’t I risk losing my best friends. Recently Bailey upped the “boundary” to only talking via email and messenger, due to me sending texts that were out of line. I’ve been okay with this boundary, in fact, it’s been the easiest boundary she has set.  And then I was talking to her the other night and she told me that she will not hesitate to cut this last bit of connection, too, if I get out of line again– meaning sending something that is abusive or unpleasant. I’m not going to deny that I’ve sent abusive, down-right nasty texts to Bailey, because I have. I’ve sent her things that no one should ever have to hear, in the heat of the moment, and know that it was wrong. But this last time I don’t feel was abusive. And that’s what makes me want to bang my head on the wall. I don’t understand what she believes is abusive, minus the obvious stuff, and how tone can be deciphered via technology. I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t saying things that didn’t feel true to me, and I said them as politely as possible–but the tone was deciphered as abuse and misplaced anger. Knowing that if she receives anything that she believes to be abusive she will completely leave, I’ve unintentionally transferred back into living in a state of deep fear, always, not only with her but with Becca and other friends too. I have to watch every word I say very carefully. I have to make sure to not use definitive or double-edged words. I have to lie about how I’m feeling. I have to pretend that I’m okay when really I’m falling apart. I have to handle all of my emotions without knowing what they are. I have to be regulated in a state of massive dysregulation. Because of that immense fear of her leaving I’ve turned, once again, to pretending. I say these things like I’m trapped into doing these things.  The truth is, I’m not trapped but I’m also not ready to lose the one person who knows more about me than anyone else on this planet. I’m not really ready to let go of my best friend, who if Bailey leaves she will follow. I’m not ready for Becca to follow in Bailey’s path of separation. I’m just not ready to watch more people walk out of my life, and in order for that to not happen I have to be respectful, polite, and pleasant all the time… or just shut down. I’ve taken to shutting down as a way to escape and not having to deal with feeling any of the emotions because feeling them is just confusing. Shutting down has held me through my hardest days and nights, protecting me from many heart-breaks, but, I feel like I’m back at square one. I feel like I’m back to where I was when I left my mom’s. I’d be okay if Bailey left, but I don’t want her to. I have no doubt that she will leave, though she promised me many times that she wouldn’t, because she has stated that she won’t hesitate doing so. I’d also be okay if Becca, Li-Li, and Zhanna left because life would go on. I learned a LONG time ago not to trust the people who say they will never leave, they always do. I know their departure’s are produced by me, but the promise was still made. And broken. I don’t expect that she, nor anyone else, allow abuse and disrespect into her life but I do expect that she realize I am human and not super woman, that it is humanly impossible to never be disrespectful, to never have any other demeanor than pleasant  respectful, and polite. I expect to not be expected to be super-woman because, unfortunately, I’m not.

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