The silence, deafening in my ears, running progressively from wall to wall, chair to chair, floor to ceiling, minute by minute getting louder and louder until the ring is too much to bear. So quiet a penny’s fall would penetrate the barricade of sound and silence leaving us all in a shock as to how deafening the silence once was. The door opens and enters the man who unbearably will determine the life of one single person, all the while affecting many others. Breaking the silence, a huge breathe is breathed by all who occupy the small space in this utterly large room. The silence awakened, the ring no more rings, leaving the barricade broken.

A wail of pain, a cry of hurt, urging me silently to pick her up, knowing deep down that I mustn’t conform; leaving me lost, alone, hurt, knowing I cannot comfort my sister. Only 7 feet away, sitting wrapped in a sinners arm, she sits crying, wailing for the loss that she is receiving. Paying the price, 50 years, for the mess he created years ago, her dad sits, leaving his four kids behind to figure out their own life, to continue in a world so vast, so evil, alone.  Bubbling inside of me a temptation is forming, encouraging me to walk the 7 feet, pick her up, walk back, and comfort her just as I once did.

Knowing with every fiber of my being that I have to withhold the need to comfort them, the four little girls I once raised as my own, I sit silently crying knowing the pain in their hearts. Surrounded by a family who so graciously took me in, I so desperately want to be back in the family I always knew, the family I raised, surrendering my own childhood. Sitting there, only 7 feet away, I listen to them cry, observe them hurt, and watch as they slowly fall apart, not knowing what else to do. Telling myself over and over that they will be OK  I turn my head and cry some more, willing myself to go into a state of numbness, all to sit through this painstaking 2 hours.

Walking out, surrounded, the floor gets closer. I look around and there she is, anger filled eyes, ready to kill. Her cries, not withheld, rigid and  tempt, asking for their jointed wails. Murder in their deafening scream, marking my days, my body goes weak and I’m out the door. Numbness runs rampant, jolting my body into another world.

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