Sometimes the hardest part of healing is learning the difference between the things that are healthy vs unhealthy for you, and adhering to them. At this stage in my healing, I believe that it’s best to keep my communication with my adoptive family to a minimum and communication with my biologic family to almost nothing. Don’t get me wrong, my adoptive family is full of great people, however, talking to them throws me into a tail spin that is very hard to pull myself out of. I still talk to them, but it’s not often and when I do it’s short or via technology. As per my biological family…I just can’t talk to them. But when does it get to the point that it’s unhealthy, or does it? Today, Zhanna and I went to a tour at the college we both wish to attend and part of the orientation was to show our art portfolios. My art is rooted directly from my childhood and the emotions that were brought with it. That is how I feel without having to deal with the raw emotion. After going through many pictures and being being able to detect the emotion being portrayed, the adviser stopped on a piece that I did representing drugs and the effects they have on a person. I had to explain to her who the picture was of {she was quite nosy} and why I chose the symbolism. At the end of the portfolio review the adviser asked if my mom was still alive. I panicked. I couldn’t remember if my mom was still alive, where she was, if she’s maintained her job, or if she’s doing okay. I was slightly terrified. I have disconnected myself so far from my mom that I couldn’t even remember if she was alive. Is that even okay? I’m not exactly sure how to feel about being so disconnected. I know that to an extent it is healthy, but how healthy? The hardest part for me tonight is realizing that I talked to my oldest bio brother last night and he was with her. I don’t talk with him often but for some reason connected last night…and I couldn’t even remember him telling me he was with my mom. A part of me feels like I’m going to lose her and miss saying goodbye, that she is just going to die and I won’t even know. Another part feels glad that I don’t constantly worry about her and make sure she is okay and functioning. My thoughts are so mixed right now that I’m not really sure what to do. I love my mom and forcing myself to disconnect from her this far almost feels like I have “abandoned” her and placed my loyalty somewhere else. The story is all backwards. She abandoned me, but I feel that I can’t abandon her because she is not strong enough to make her life work, alone. She does not have the will power or the drive. She used to. She used to be a lot like I am: driven by others doubt, a go-getter, tenacious, and had a fierce ability to overcome odds. She no longer has those attributes. I feel like a traitor, but I also feel that it has to be done if I want any sort of closer relationship throughout my life. I have to let her go so I can allow myself to connect with Bailey, Becca, and anyone else who might happen this way. But is it healthy to disconnect to the point that I have? My bio brothers, I believe, have taken on the responsibility of ensuring her life lasts and they are okay with that for now, I need to be as well. However, with them taking on that responsibility I now am being forced to make a decision regarding my relationship with them. My middle, older bio brother hasn’t talked to me in years so I’m not worried about that, however, my oldest brother does his best to stay shortly connected. He is in the military so we only talk every few months, if that. He recently made plans to fly out this way and spend time with my bio family and then take a few days and drive my way to visit. Because I have allowed the disconnect with my mom, I didn’t quite connect that she is still a major part of his life. While talking with him last night I started freaking out, internally, at the idea of him coming. I don’t trust him to come here and be safe, and I hate that. He has protected my mom and a part of me worries he would bring her. I can’t allow that because I would literally have no escape…the drive from where they are and where I am is about 12 hours. Even if he didn’t bring her I worry that he will push topics that I don’t want to talk about, such as: my step-dad’s imprisonment, my mom and my relationship, why I won’t “admit that I’m lying about what happened” {my mom’s words–not true}, why I’ve decided to avoid going back for over a year and half, why I wont drink or try pot, etc. The problem is, I love my brother very much and feel that it is unfair to him for me to cut all ties because he wants to be a part of my moms life. I don’t want to go on not being able to trust him and have to watch everything I say, but I also am not sure if I am ready to disconnect completely…he still needs the support. So, I’m lost about what to do. I’m not sure my disconnect is healthy and I don’t know if I want to cut all ties from my brother. I guess my conclusion is just that my mom pretty much just ruins everything.

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