According to Dicti0nary{dot}com, to heal means to make healthy, whole, or sound; also to become free from ailment. There are many different types of healing, including: healing from a cold, cancer, a heartbreak, surgery, a traumatic event-or many, a loss, etc. Though each process is different they all take time, some more than other. They all require work, dedication, and the desire to get better. With my Adoption Day reunion, this year, came a lot of baggage. Days prior to the reunion and all this week have been extremely difficult. Triggers I didn’t know existed popped up, behaviors I thought I’d overcome became my turn-to coping, thoughts that I haven’t had in months took over. Over all, this week was just disastrous, and even though it was disastrous it proved to be much more of a learning experience than I’d have hoped for. In this week I realized that healing isn’t easy, in fact, it’s quite ugly. People don’t tell you though, that when you enter onto the train towards healing that it will likely be the hardest, most bumpy and un-nerving ride you will ever take. Instead, they tell you of the satisfaction of healing, they glorify the outcome–presenting the ride as the best ride you will ever take because in the end, you will be a better you. Healing is a choice, something you have to decide you want. I didn’t enter this journey of healing knowing it would be this difficult, instead I thought that after a year or so I would be okay. I figured that once my last name was removed, so would my history and that I would be healed. Because I was never actually let in on the depth of healing, let me present to you what healing has been, for me, as raw and truthfully as I can. Healing is the most painful experience I have ever experienced. It has broken pieces of me that I didn’t know were still breakable, pieces that I thought were shattered, unmendable, and left to be swept. I thought I knew pain and sorrow, but I didn’t…not until I started this journey. I have lost everything, multiple times and none of it was comparable to the acceptance needed to mend my broken-ness. Every day I sweep up shards of my broken life and try to work it back into my puzzle. Healing requires processing through and feeling the things that caused the mess I am restoring. There is learning at a deep, emotional level–learning to: feel, to process, to regulate, to become dependent and trustworthy, self-acceptance, adept to people, behavior modification, how to trust, how to express emotion, to be okay with being anything other than angry, to trust in your environment, and mostly to come alive. Healing requires letting go of some expectation…in my case unreachable expectation due to distrust.  Every day can be a struggle to choose between healing and regression–some days regression will win. I wish there was a single word that could effectively express the process of healing, but their isn’t. It’s uncomfortable, frustrating, gut wrenching, full of sorrow and grief, painful, at times lonely, and tedious. Repetition gets old, the tediousness of everything becomes overwhelming and a lot of times I am left in a psychotic break, regressing into bad behavior and pushing away, gaining the most healing. There are days that I admit I have wanted to go back to my old life, my easy life….but I don’t because even though when I hopped on this train I was only told of the destination and the glorification in living a healed life, that is enough. Knowing that someday I won’t have to struggle so much is enough to make the loss, the pain, the frustration and unsettledness all worth it. Healing is time-consuming and painful…but the destination seems more satisfying the closer it gets. It’s a lot like throwing up: you get all of this bad stuff stuck inside of you so you puke it all out, which feels awful coming out, but you feel great afterwards.

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