“[…] a new chapter is once again unfolding in my life and I have found myself 600+ miles from everything I have ever known. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. As I was driving away today I watched through my rear view mirror as 20 years disappeared. Slowly, yard by yard, mile by mile, my life disappeared. Literally? No, not really! But it did. I am in a new place now. A place that will bring me new life. A place where I don’t know anyone but 2-3 people. A place of a new-found hope. During the drive I debated whether or not I should just turn around and return. The question ran through my head for 11 hours straight and still continues to haunt every membrane of my little brain as I sit here, snug in my bed, “SHOULD I JUST TURN AROUND AND RETURN?” Should I? Only time will tell, I suppose. There is a part of me, as I sit here and type, that screams for me to go home. Something inside of me, screaming, telling me to return to the place that I know, that I have grown attached to. Wait, can you attach to a place? A part that so desperately wants for things to be wonderful there and work out there. A part that doesn’t want to let go of the things and people there, the memories attached. Another part of me screams to stay, to keep moving on. The part of me that wants me to be happy, to be free, to be successful and strong. I know that life here will bring some sort of stability as I will be working moving forward! But, it’s new. I don’t like new. I don’t like to anticipate things as if I am reading a book and I don’t know what is happening. Sometimes I feel like I am at the climax of my story, the most intense part. And then, it seems another chapter starts to write; only a much more intense chapter. While being the reader is entertaining, just as reading any other book would be, I don’t want to be the reader, immensely enthused and enthralled waiting for the next thing to happen. So, instead of turn around and return, I think I will stay. I think that despite the 20 years I have just left behind I will move on. I will create a new chapter, maybe not so climactic this time. It is NOT easy. Watching everything slowly disappearing was not, is not, simple. It wasn’t like losing a tooth or moving from elementary to Jr High. OH NO!!! It was much bigger. Much, much bigger.”
I wrote that a little over a year ago. It is an excerpt from my journal on the day that I moved from my home state to where I live now. As I read through it, every single emotion that was running through my head races back and fills me with a sense of uncertainty. It’s unsettling. It’s not what I’m used to. As I read through this, it shows me how far I have really come. I remember driving and looking out my rear view mirror and asking myself if it was the right thing. It was. I could have not made a better decision, I am where I belong. When I first moved here, there were many times that I would wish I were still back home. I don’t get that sense as often anymore. There was a long period where I would say I was going back to my home state EVERY time I was upset. I would tell Becca that I hated it here and that I should have never come. I was adamant about running away, getting out of here, and going back to everything that was comfortable. It is seldom that I do that now. The comfort that was found in my home place was something I felt I was losing forever. I hated leaving. I hated coming here. But, more than anything, I hated that I had nothing left there to stay for. My life is still a book. It’s still confusing. I am still the reader waiting to see what happens next…but I am also the writer. I don’t have to wait in complete darkness for the next chapter to open up, I get to write it. I am able to choose what I want or don’t want to happen, most of the time. I love that I am able to look back at these things because they show how far I truly have come. I am preparing to move once again and though I know it is for the best I’m terrified. I don’t want to leave here. I feel like it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s my comfort. This is where I belong and I don’t want to move away from that. I have never belonged until now and I don’t want to lose that. I hope that at this time next year I am able to read this and see a big improvement and be okay with where I am at. I hope that I am able to allow myself to find comfort in knowing that this next chapter is the best decision I could make. I hope that I can grow within the next year as much as I have in the last year.