Now to the nitty-gritty of this lovely second post. December was hard. A lot of stuff has come up recently that I’m not really sure how to handle, things that I haven’t thought of for years. My dreams have become wilder and my flashbacks more vivid. Life’s been a little nuts, per-say. The one thing that has been very consistent in all of this has been my mom. I’ve gone from completely hating her, to wanting her to be part of my life, and back to hating her multiple times–sometimes in only a day’s time. I’ve kind of had to face the fact that she’s never coming back and then be drawn back in by a simple email. When I opened the email from her I kind of felt my whole world collapse a little. My vacation was put on hold as I tried my best tried to deal with the anger of her absence,  then the anger toward all the people who gave up, and then the anger at Bailey. I went back and forth from being happy that she took the 3 seconds to send me a well wish and anger that she has no right to contact me because she hasn’t tried in the last 8 years. It’s been a bit of a confusing, nutty, emotional month. The night my mom emailed me kind of triggered a ton of questions in my little brain. Things like: how does a mom just walk away, why don’t people give older kids a chance to change, how does a child go through 5 families and still end up family-less, if I were “normal” or didn’t have so many issues would someone, namely Bailey, finally want to be my mom. Tonight while Bailey and I were talking about all of this and processing though it, I asked her about me being normal and if that would affect her decision in playing the mom role. Though I hoped otherwise, her answer was no that no matter what she wouldn’t sign up for that role. She doesn’t want to be my mom. Her reasoning is reasonable, she can’t because the place she is at in her life doesn’t allow for that type of role to more than the two children she already has…but it doesn’t make it any easier. It’s a hard thing to know that no one really wants you as their own. Sometimes it makes me really angry. I’m not sure if  my anger comes from knowing that so many families have walked away or given up, or if it comes from knowing how hard I’ve tried my entire life to have a mom and now the door is closed. Tonight my thoughts are a little all over the place. I need to be angry at my mom because it is her duty to be there for me and to do the things that a mother should, but she can’t, therefore I can’t bring myself to be angry at her. She tried her best to do something that she is just incapable of doing. I’m angry, or disappointed, or something at the families who promised me a forever and then backed out because they didn’t even try. They all had the means and the resources but none of them were willing to go out of their comfort zone to learn how to comfort me. They couldn’t, they wouldn’t, and they still won’t. I’m angry at Bailey because she can, but she won’t. Unlike every other person in my life, she can. She has the tools, she understands me, she gets the trauma, ect but she won’t. She doesn’t want to be a mom again, even if I was the simplest kid there could be..she wouldn’t. It’s not even that I want her to be my mom, because she is a great sister. I don’t think we’d do well together if she did agree to be my mom…but it’s the idea that she can but she won’t. It’s the idea that I need a mom, not a sister. Maybe that’s the reason I get so upset when she tells me she can’t, because I know she can–she just doesn’t want to. Even though I shouldn’t, my mind wanders into a place of bitterness and tells me that Bailey is being selfish because she is so unwilling to give up that part of her life to give me what I need. Because of that I will forever be without a mom. I know that I shouldn’t be angry at her because it’s not her job and the truth is that she has given me so much already. She has taken me in and allowed me to be her sister, despite the countless attacks and horrible behaviors towards her. We get along wonderfully as sisters. My mind often wanders back to what I must have done, though. How horrible I must have been to be given 5 families and quickly chased them all away, and then given a 6th and even this one doesn’t want me as their own…in the way that I need. It makes me wonder why I’m only good enough to be “sister”/friend material and why I’ve tried for so long to be more than that. My mind wanders to a place of my past when I was often told that I would never be good enough, and how true that feels now as the door closes to me ever having the chance at having a mom. Because I was an older child, I was overlooked many times for a young child…because older children don’t change–we all end up just like our parents…we are harder. I’ve changed and even those who’ve left refuse to see it. It makes me wonder sometimes if all of this change has really been worth it. I’ve recently connected with a lady who I reached out to about other issues but whom I’ve stayed in touch with for a much deeper reason. She has a daughter that is much like me. She, like my 5 families, struggles with her daughter and how to help her…but the difference is she is willing. She is trying…and her daughter is not a young child. Her daughter is older. Her daughter is the age I was when no one believed in me. And so I wonder…is it really because I was older? It wasn’t the change that mattered to them, it was that I wasn’t normal. It’s a fight, every day, to make myself believe that it isn’t because I’m not good enough or unlovable…but because there is a much bigger plan, ahead, that I can only face alone.

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One thought on “Return (pt 2) When the Door Closes

  1. Of course I don’t know the details and don’t know the people; but I am more sure about this then anything. It was never because you weren’t good enough…or never because you were “unlovable”. Some days I am SO ready to give up; but it’s never because she is not good enough or unlovable. It’s just that it’s so hard to fight this battle every single day to save her. Every single day I think she should be with a mom who is better at this then me. But, where are all these moms who are ready for this?? There aren’t so many people ready for this. So, if only the moms who are ready for this adopt/foster, then what happens to all the struggling kids? Fewer get a mom 😦 So, maybe mine is better off for having me then no mom at all. But, everyday I fear she really needs someone better then me to save her and I’m back in the same circle of frustration again. This is why I have to wonder, maybe everyone who gave up on you had their own issues that prevented them from being the moms you needed. Maybe it wasn’t really about you- but them??? Because no matter how hard mine is to build a relationship with and how difficult she is being; it’s not because she is unlovable or not good enough. And nothing will convince me you are unlovable or not good enough. No matter how many give up on you. I owe you an email. I’m wishing for more then a few uninterrupted moments at a time to write it!! But, I couldn’t read this and not say something in this moment. You are certainly worthy of love and very much good enough. Always was. Always will be.

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