What do you write about after being absent for over a month, and an important month at that? How do you put into words the good, the bad, the ugly, the silly, and the sad? What do you say about a month you wish so much of but understand so little about? The truth is, I have a million things to write about but none of them are what the world views as “Christmas”, or holiday, appropriate. Unfortunately, in this confusing world I’ve recently entered, there are times and places that things are okay to talk about and times when this is not so. Fortunately it is no longer the holidays, therefore I can process through the things I’d least like to, but need to–without having to worry about being chastised for ruining the holiday spirit. Honestly, December was a wild month. Everything always kind of happened in a blur and now it’s practically January. People around here don’t get too excited about Christmas so we don’t exactly have traditions…but this year was a little harder for me than last year. It seemed last year everyone was a bit more excited for Christmas and put more effort into it, because it is what was needed at the time. This year, however, no one wanted it. It was confusing. A big part of me really wants to like Christmas because I see all these other families liking it and creating traditions, I feel like it is supposed to be something exciting. I crave that normalcy. Then there is a part of me that hates it, due to past experiences, and wishes it didn’t exist because of the pain that it brings up every year. Every day leading up to Christmas was a struggle. I didn’t know if I should like it or hate it and on the days I did like it, I was torn because the people around me hate it. On top of that I spent a few weeks away on vacation, including Christmas, with people who don’t get me. Zhanna was there…but like me, she dissociates in stressful times. Times reverted back to when I had to shut down and be someone I’m not. Despite not liking a lot of the boundaries that Bailey and Becca set, I am able to be mostly real with them because they understand me. It’s something that I’ve become mostly accustomed to and having to go back into a place where I was expected to be the neurotypical¬†21-year-old has kind of thrown me back. Coming back home has been hard because all the fears I thought I’d overcome came flooding back in. Fears of abandonment, rejection, losing the people around me, change. It all kind of just crashed in on me. BUT, December wasn’t all a miss, I had some pretty big hits also. Though given the unofficial invite in November, I was cordially accepted into a fantastic school that caters to people of my liking. This school full of strange kids who see the world through eyes most people are unable. It’s small, therefore giving me my space and allowing me to learn in a way I wasn’t able to in the last 2 I have attended. And lastly, it has rekindled a hope I used to have for my future. I was also invited on the trip of a lifetime, though it was with people who didn’t get me, and enjoyed it greatly without having any major meltdowns or massively sabotaging it. I hope to return some day, with the people who do get me. I was given a bonus at work that couldn’t have come at a better time. Though it was very hard, and I’ll write about it later, I received an awesome phone call from my adoptive parents and was able to carry on a 45 minute conversation with them. They also gave me the opportunity to talk to my adoptive brothers for the first times in almost 2 years. It was nice. There are so many more misses that I should write about, but the truth is, I can’t. My life is going very well right now and I don’t want the bad stuff to outshine the good. In reality it does, but it doesn’t have to here–I’ll leave that for part 2.

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