Sometimes, there are no words for life. Sometimes it is just too much, or to little, to adequately put out there in a way that will allow readers thoughts of their own. It’s been a rough, but great few weeks. I started school! It’s definitely been an adventure in and of itself, but, I can honestly say I have never loved learning more. I have also never been as eager as i am, now, to wake in the dreadful morning hours just to go to class. I absolutely love it. It’s hard, no doubt, but it’s perfect! It’s small, 5-12 students per class, and focus’s–in the artistic world–on each students talents and abilities. Like any other college, we are still required to take core classes, but they are not the majority of classes. Creativity spews out of the walls and the professors kind of treat the students as little brothers/sisters. All around, I’m loving school. I never dreamed I’d make it this far in life. I failed out of 2 colleges already…2 that were completely oblivious to the needs of individuals but rather focused on the needs of curricular proficiency. With school starting, however, there has come a lot of changes. When I came home from vacation I was required to move out of my apartment and moved back in with Bailey…and have since then moved to student housing–closer to school. My routine has changed, adding classes and making that work with school, work, and homework…and Bailey’s work schedule is picking up. Unfortunately, in the instances of spontaneous and combined change, meltdowns occur. This time wasn’t exempt and it wasn’t pretty. There wasn’t any violence (minus the harsh slamming of my notebook)…but there was vulgarity and a LOT of hurt feelings. I think one of the biggest was screaming at her to not call me the name she calls me as her sister. In the midst of anger, I didn’t want to be known as that girl because that’s not who I was. I was Ruby–the girl who’s trauma was taking over and eliciting horror. I’m not quite sure that Bailey has recovered yet, which makes a large part of me confused and a little sad. She is okay with me, she just is no longer in the mood to be around me. Her explanation is that she is teaching me a lesson: that when you treat people with such vulgarity and disrespect, they aren’t going to want to be around you anymore. I get it. But I don’t agree with it. Something that Bailey is disregarding is that I KNOW this…I know exactly what bad behavior, negative attitude, vulgarity, disrespect, etc leads to because 4 other families have tried, and succeeded, in teaching me this lesson. It’s engrained in my brain, my heart knows that it’s the easiest, most accurate way of pushing people away, because this lesson was so well taught and easily accepted. It’s not a lesson I like…but in times of overwhelm and massive overload, my body doesn’t know what else to do. To allow the help of others is to become vulnerable and to become vulnerable means failure. It’s not even just the allowance of help, though…it’s the feeling of deservance. Most of the time, now, I feel that I am eligible to have a family, my family, but again, in the midst of overwhelm I lose sight of that. My body returns to survival and reminds me that I really don’t deserve a family. So, it’s not that I don’t understand this lesson being taught, it’s that I know it so well already that I don’t really need it again. I don’t need another person to step out of my life because of the battle I fight daily, and often lose. Instead, I need someone who is willing to walk by my side to help me fight my fight and show me that love can conquer the anger so deeply engrained into my body, but that it’s okay to fail without massive punishment along the way–which is something Bailey is incapable of right now. And so at this time, I give Bailey her space. I give gratitude in all that she does and has done for me and the massive love she has for me, as her sister. I allow her, her space to move past my brutalities and I walk forward in my life, with or with out her…loving her as much as I am capable and waiting for either her return or departure, whichever may come. 

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