“Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.” -C.S. Lewis

For so long I’ve believed that my happiness is dependent on having a family and being part of something…normal. Still that thought races through my mind, but there is a greater reality and it is that none of that even matters. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had a lot of time to think about the things that are really important in my life, at the moment. I’ve had time to reflect on all the things that happened in the past and the things that could have gone differently. Bailey and I are in a place of solitude. I still spend time at her house and she still allows herself in the same room…but it’s still pretty desolate. We have minimal conversation and then turn and go back to our own musings. We are alone in our own space, within the walls of one another. It’s been hard. For a year and a half, she has been my anchor. She’s been the one I turned to when I was struggling with past issues, work, Becca, Zhanna, and all of my other “teen (21 yo)” drama. She is the one who used to calm me down when I woke from night terrors, rocked me to sleep, consoled my night-time fears. We used to laugh and poke jokes at each other. She was one of my best friends and greatest advocates….and now, we sit in solitude. We pass each other without emotion. The sisterly-ness of our nature has kind of diminished…and it’s hard…because this is the FIRST and ONLY relationship I’ve ever let advance to this level–and it’s failing. The dynamics of our relationship are constantly changing and re-adjusting to each others needs, but I’m afraid the needs this time have made a U-ee and decided that, like many of the other families, I need to change in order to be worthy of entering into and continuing with relationships. Strangely, I’m not in the mood to try. At the moment, it’s so locked up that I move on with my day as if I’ve never known her. Today, I actually forgot about her…just as I do with everyone else who disconnects from me. I’ve tried for at least 9 years to fit in, to be wanted, and not once has it worked. Everyone needs me to change or be better or act my age… and honestly, it’s just not something that’s important to me at this point. Not to say it wont be in the future, but for now, I don’t care. I’m at a point where I’m having to choose between going to school and making sure I keep my head above water there, and choosing to work on my relationships…and unfortunately the later is on the bottom of my list. I know that I can go to school and live and be okay on my own, I’ve done it most of my life…but I can’t do both and do them alone. I can’t try to make Bailey want me back in her life and focus on school. I can’t  sit around and wait for her to decide that I’m good enough, when I’m doing the best I can, because I have a life to live. I’m almost 22 years old…I have to grow up and take care of myself. Last week when this whole thing was unfolding I told her that I couldn’t stop my brain from thinking about how to fix things and make it so that she would accept me again and her response was that I’ve done it in the past. She’s right, I have. But to do that is to forget her…and a big part of me doesn’t want to do that. I don’t want to throw away everything I’ve worked towards. I don’t want to walk away from another family, emotionless…..and that’s what’s happening. Another relationship I have pushed to the limits, forcing them to ask me to change so that I could prove my worthiness, that says I’m incapable of holding a steady relationship. There are other factors to this as well…factors such as control. I am a controlling person, I know this. But at this moment, Bailey is stripping me of any control I have in this relationship…except she’s not. Just like she doesn’t, I don’t like when people tell me I can or can’t do something…and so I retaliate. I play along with her lessons, that I’ve been taught at least 5 other times, and help her to believe that I’m okay with her control. But that’s tiring too. And I have school now. I have to balance my life…and there’s not room to make a relationship work…at least not to the extent she, and others, are asking. There isn’t the space to analyze everything that I already know I did wrong and wait for them to accept my apology. And so, like I did with all the other families, I’ve shut down to her. I’m left to deal with the immense emotions and life changes without my best friend/sister…because I can’t wait for her. I can’t process with her. I cannot tell her how my day really went, instead she gets the cookie cutter happy story.  Bailey has become one of them…for now. She has become one of them, who don’t get the privilege of being IN my life. She is here, she is in my life….but she is not IN it. She doesn’t get to know my accomplishments and failures. She doesn’t get to know my feelings or how I’m really doing. She gets the 22-year-old me…that is okay and is going to school, making her life work. Nothing more — nothing less…. until she decides that I am worthy enough…that I’m not this horrible person she’s seeing me as. This gives her the opportunity to be honest with me and stop lying…pretending she’s okay with me(she’s not, we had this conversation). It gives her time to decide if she really does want me here in her life or not….and not just because she promised I would be forever and because she’s dedicated 2000 books to me. This is hard…hard for more reasons that I can explain. Hard for reasons that wouldn’t make sense to most people. It’s not sad, it’s not angry…its just blank. I’ve turned my emotion for her off….but I don’t doubt that she loves me, I know she loves me….but you can love and let go. You can exist in a world with someone but still live in solitude…and that’s what we are doing. We are walking alone in our own space, within the walls of one another.

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One thought on “Happiness Doesn’t Grow on Trees

  1. I’m sorry you are in a difficult place with someone who has held a very significant place in your life. I wish I had the wisdom to offer words to help you heal that connection. I have a basic understanding of “blank”…. and of “hollow” and of “lost” since I am on the receiving end of it every day. Not one day goes by that I think she is not “worthy” of a relationship and love; but that doesn’t stop me from feeling hurt by her. And it certainly doesn’t help me know what to do about it despite all my efforts. I guess all this to say…just thinking about you and hoping you just keep taking steps forward when you can.

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