It’s times like today I wish I had my mom, or a mom, the most. Days when I struggle to maintain functionality, when the good things in my life start to go bad, when I have no one to help me out of the trenches. Overall, life is pretty good. I am doing exceptionally well in school, I have a job, I’m learning to take personal power back from people who hurt me…so, pretty okay. But with all that I also have a lot of emotional junk. Junk that 96% of the time I don’t even understand. And in the days when no one is available to be a support, I’m left to scavenge on my own. Tonight one of Zhanna’s bunnies died. I wish more than anything I had a better handle on my own wacky emotional capacities so that I could have just been present with her and let her sort it out, but I couldn’t. I listened as she talked and tried to rationalize, but I didn’t hear her. She was in so much pain that it just kept adding to mine…and the more it added to mine the less capable I was of being okay, and the world around me just kinda disappeared. Then Bailey came home and immediately went to helping Zhanna process and grieve her bunny. They went out together and wrapped the bunny up and said their last goodbyes. I didn’t want to…but I feel like something about that made Bailey frustrated with me because she snapped at me. Together they cried and huddled together in sadness…and I sat, alone, in a totally separate room. I walked out to join them but didn’t feel very welcomed, I was still the outsider so back in I went. Now I’m sitting in the guest room and my thoughts turn to selfishness as everyone’s gone to bed. No one once asked me if I was okay even though that bunny meant a lot to me also. No one wrapped me in a hug and said, “I’m sorry, it’s going to be okay.” It’s as if tonight I was invisible, like my feelings didn’t even matter…And then my mind races back to when my bunny died and the support I had then…it was very little because Bailey was on vacation, her secretary came to make sure WE were okay. It was my bunny and somehow Zhanna’s feelings were still more important. We called Bailey and she talked to me for all of 5 minutes to give her condolences and tell me it was okay and then asked for Zhanna. She proceeded to talk to Zhanna for a while making sure she was okay and crying with her and letting her know to be sensitive with me because I was upset. When she finally came home from vacation it was like it never even happened. Like my bunny didn’t matter. Like my grief over losing the last good piece of home I had didn’t matter. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry. I don’t really know what to do or what to say. I can’t be available for Zhanna because I still need to process it myself…but I’m not sure how to do that either.  So I feel pretty trapped and pretty invisible, and once again I find myself wanting my mom more than ever. I find myself wanting to be noticed by someone, ANYONE…so that I don’t have to deal with this stuff all on my own, so that I can let the hurt out too, but there’s no one there…because I’m not there, I”m invisible. On top of that I had a pretty rough day at school today and any attempt I made to talk to Bailey seemed left unnoticed or uncared for. I failed to get an assignment into our yearly show and that was really upsetting…and still is upsetting. No one cared. So instead of trying to have a conversation with Bailey about it I tried to offer help (she’s over-busy this week)…and was told no thanks and then not spoken to for the rest of the night because she went out and then came home to be with Zhanna. Usually she and I talk at least a few times a day through text…not today. Same with Becca. She doesn’t always connect at the level I need her to where she can actually SEE that I need the help…but that in the moment it’s too hard to ask. I feel like she just see’s it as me…she doesn’t see the overwhelm or the frustration until I go into meltdown mode. And because it takes going into that meltdown before I get noticed, I am left feeling invisible, again. It gets maddening because then I have to wonder: what have I done. What did I do to become the invisible girl? Why did Bailey snap at me and why in my attempts to communicate with Becca did she not seem to want to have a conversation but only gave the typical, “sorry” reply? Maybe that’s just me being sensitive. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do and because I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with and process emotional things on my own yet, and I have been left alone once again, I leave. I go to my place, a place where no one is allowed…just me. Somewhere only I know where to find…a place where I don’t have to feel and can do my own thing but I can still function in this world, and I sink into my invisibleness.


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