I don’t think I really have words adequate enough to describe my last few weeks. The best way to describe it, in short, is to say that it’s been a bit much. Because of the stresses of it all I kind of regressed and did something that I haven’t done in a while. At first I started with cutting, but cutting wasn’t good enough. It was also too visible. So I now have little blisters forming on the upper quadrant of my forearm. As I look at my other arm and my other scars…I do wish that I didn’t do it. I worry that Bailey and Becca are going to get upset… but it helped. I don’t feel so trapped… so–like I’m going to burst. My last post was my birthday post. Sorry if I got your hopes up…the reality is, I didn’t receive anything from Zheaila on my birthday. For days, Bailey and I worked on ways to accept my mom not saying happy birthday. The day before my birthday, my therapist and I worked through the idea that my mom would likely not even make note of my birthday…but not once did I have to think about preparing for Zheaila totally forgetting. My mom emailed me to wish me a great day at 12:01am the day of my birthday. For the entire day I waited…I checked my email over and over, I constantly was looking for a text, and every minute I got I made sure I had reception. All day…and still nothing. By 10pm I just kind of fell apart. My mom forgetting is something I’ve become accustomed to…its something I’ve already figured out how to justify…but Zheiala? I just couldn’t comprehend why she wouldn’t have at least sent me a text. I waited all week after my birthday and still nothing. All I heard of my birthday from her was a card I received before my birthday with her signature in it. And then I opened my email on Tuesday and there waited an unopened email…as I read through the email it made me realize how much of an object I am to her. The entire first paragraph was blaming me for her not being able to meet my needs through passing them off as wants. She claimed that the reason I am able to connect with Bailey is because Bailey is just not as emotionally involved. It was an attempt to defend her support in my life. I’ve never questioned that they’ve done the best they know how to…but I do not agree that the support they have given me is that of a parent. For me, the birthday thing was kind of the last straw situation. For 2 years I’ve waited for them to come around and see how much I’ve changed and how much better I am. They can’t. For 4 years I’ve waited for them to accept me as me, instead of turning me into them, they can’t. For so long I have longed for them to be the family I need and so desperately want, they can’t. So, I’ve been faced with the decision of dissolving my adoption. At first, on the day of my birthday and then again a few days later when i found out Zheaila wanted another baby I was adamant that it was the right choice. But then I called my adoption attorney, the one who completed our adoption, and asked how to reverse it…and his response was that if I were to reverse it, I’d be a nobody. He asked where I wanted to be in life, who I wanted to be…and then continued to say that without family, without this adoption, I wouldn’t be. I would be a nobody. So, I’ve started to second guess my decision. That alone has been pretty difficult. I don’t want to lose some of the people in my adoptive family. I feel like even though I am the one leaving, I am being left. It’s all pretty confusing. Bailey and Becca have been gone this week and Bailey’s plane was cancelled on Saturday due to weather. That kind of threw me over as I do not like change. Friday night I talked to my little sister…one of my sisters with whom I haven’t spoken to since Unakites sentencing. It wasn’t hard…it was natural. I raised her and for the first time in a long time it felt that we were the same as old times….and then she threw the curve. She asked if I was ever going to come back…then she begged…then she tried to convince me of how great everyone is doing and how much my mom loves me. I ended this portion of the conversation just letting her know that I’m not really sure…and that was hard because as a mother figure to her, it feels like once again, I’m abandoning her. I wanted so badly to go back. Yesterday, she wrote me and told me that she talked to Unakite and he asked her to tell me that he loves me very much and would love to see me. She proceeded to tell me how much he giggled and smiled (yeah, they get Skype in prison–and we pay for it). My whole body shutters just thinking about it. It terrifies me. I have feared him coming after me for years, even with him being in prison…and he has finally found a way that he knows will torment me. How sick a man to groom a child even while imprisoned. I don’t feel safe. Logically I know that he is in prison and wont be out for a long time…but emotionally, my brain does not grasp that.
PS: If I remember too..I’m going to start posting funnies. I get tired of reading back through my blog and reading all the sad junk…so I thought I’d do a stress makes you stupid post, weekly… keeping it real, but keeping it funny. 🙂