Well..I see that I didn’t exactly stick to my, “keepin it real–silly style” plan! HEHE, oops, sorry about that! But really, I will start one, it’s just a matter of time. School ends this week, for the summer, and I am bound to have loads of time on my hands to actually write down the moments in which stress debilitates my brain!
Okay, but really…time to get to the nitty-gritty. I’ve had something on my mind for a little while that’s been kind of bugging me. Well a few things, but this in particular has really stuck to its guns and made a home in my head. In 2 days I will be speaking at a conference directed mainly towards adoptive parents and professionals, and again next week. I applied a few months ago and was asked if I would be one of the closing speakers. I was really excited to finally have the opportunity to discuss adoption with adoptive parents because I feel like many adoptive parents, and professionals especially, could greatly benefit from talking with and getting advice from adoptees.But the closer it gets, the less excited I am. Instead…I’m starting to dread it. I’m not ready. I’m not equipped. My mind takes off in a million directions and reminds me of all the reasons I really shouldn’t do this: I’m not even an adoptee. I’m a “has-been”, a “once was”. My final adoption didn’t work out, and neither did any of the ones before it. So, how can I go to this conference and speak for adoptees if I am merely a “once-was”? How can I portray and speak the voice of the many adopted children, world-wide, if I am no longer one of them? Does this equate to a person who overcame cancer, speaking in behalf of all those fighting against it? Do I have that privilege? because the truth is, my battle was lost. I didn’t win the battle of becoming a part of a family. Doesn’t that make me an impostor, posing for those who really need a voice? Do I tell them straight forward that all of my adoptions failed? That I was not wanted enough to be fought for? Do I inform them that the possibilities of their children being like me are not slim, and that they shouldn’t give up? How do I explain to them the things that I want them to know and still be completely honest with who I am and where I am coming from because The truth is…my adoptions sucked. I’m not going to lie, I was, and still am, a pretty difficult person. I like things my way and at my pace and I regress often, but am more than willing to learn your ways too. I am funny and intelligent, but I have the attitude of spitting bull. I was full of anger and hate for the things that haunted me and the little support and understanding I was getting…and my adoptives couldn’t help me through that nor handle where I was coming from. I, as a whole, was completely outside their scope of parenting abilities and so they gave up. They sent me away and told me to never come back. So what do I tell those parents who are coming to this conference for advice and learning material on their children? Do I discuss with them the things that are working now? The things that Becca and Bailey have provided me with in fighting for me, even though they are not my family? Because those are the things that have helped. Those are the things that would have provided the families I had with the connection we were all seeking. Do I allow them into my world? Into the world of a “has-been”, a “once-was”…and show them what real love, unconditional love can do for their children? Because I don’t want to go in as an impostor, filling their minds with the voice of their children…only to be known as a “once-was”.