I don’t know how to say this other than, I hate you! You are not who you are supposed to be, in more ways than one. 22 years ago you chose to give birth to me, you chose to keep me, and with those choices came the responsibilities of actually taking care of me. You didn’t do that. You never did that. Instead, I took care of you and I took care of your kids. That wasn’t my job, that was your job. You were never my mom and I have always needed you to be. Growing up people asked who my hero was and for the longest time I always said you, because you were my hero. But my definition of hero was skewed. You were my hero because you instilled a power in me that cannot be reckoned with; a force that refuses to let me be like you. You were my hero because everyday you hid the secrets we kept behind closed doors. You were my hero because you gave me home. I’ve fought so hard my entire life to live a good life because I always felt (and still do) that maybe somehow me surviving would influence you. I always thought that if I could make my life work despite all off the yucky stuff you were allowing, that you’d realize things cn be better. When I realized it wouldn’t work, I turned my focus to the girls, because they know nothing other than the abuse. It’s not working for them either. No matter how hard I try to make my life work. you are not impressionable. I never thought I’d say this but i no longer have hope for you. you refuse to change and you continue your life of wallowing in pain. It took me 8 years to know this. * REALLY long years, and I still struggle, and its not fair. You’re supposed to be my mom. You made that commitment 22 years ago…and you failed miserably in every way possible. You have so much to offer the world but you choose instead to waste your stupid life away with drugs. I feel the pain you feel. I understand it…but I choose not to screw my life up because of them. yes, they are debilitating at times. Yes, they make it feel like you’re going to die. BUT you’re NOT!!! That’s the problem. You’re too afraid to work though it. You’re not brave enough. I was, mom, and I lost EVERYTHING! I lost everything that was familiar to me. I lost family after family because of the things you did to me and my inability to handle such things. At 20 years old, I had NOTHING. No family, no friends. I had 2 mentors and that was it…and you know what? I still didn’t turn to drugs. I would be lying if I said the thought hasn’t crossed my mind, because it often does. But I can’t nd wont. That life will never outweigh the pain I feel. It will never look better than the pain…and the pain is no cakewalk. Everyday, my body hurts with memories. It hurts with vividness. Sometimes it feels like I’m going to die because the pin is so prevalent. It’s like it’s happening all over again. Sometimes when I’m sitting in class, my stomach starts to hurt as I remember you and dad and Unakite and friends lay your bodies on mine. I feel like I”m going to throw up from memories of “pleasing” your needs. My entire body aches as so many memories try to release themselves–memories that shouldn’t even exist. Sometimes, on nights like tonight, I wish so much that others could feel the pain I do. I wish the unthinkable on those I love because being in all that pain is just too much. I don’t like it. Sometimes it makes me out to be someone I’m not. Someone who is volatile, violent, and disrespectful. But you know what? I wouldn’t trade any of that pain or that anger for the drugs…because one day, I’m gong to be amazing. One day, I’m not going to want those drugs because my life is worth living…even if that means not having a mom or family. I wish that I could take all of this stored trauma that you created and s end it right back to you. You’ve taught me a ot, mom. You’ve taught me that life can be hard–that you lose things/people as you go–but your life is only going to go as far as you are. You’ve taught me that sometimes it’s the path with the most unknowns that holds the most rewards. But mostly, you’ve taught me that like you, I have potential in this world and just because one person chooses not to utilize theirs it doesn’t excuse you from using yours. I can’t let you keep hurting me. One day soon, I plan to travel and say my goodbyes. I’m ready to finally let go of the hope I had for you and put it in a place where it’s use will be good. yo will always be my mom and I will always love you, but for now, I need to hate you and everything you let happen to me…so that I can finally live.