To the Adoptive Mom who began to pave the way,

I know things didn’t work out and that only days before finalization you called it off and asked me to leave, but I wanted to take this time and this space to express my thanks to you. I wish more than anything that I could sit and have this conversation with you in person, but alas, I cannot.

I don’t know where to begin as every place I start seems like the end, so I’m just going to jump in and say: thank you for paving the way to where I am now. Thank you for started a foundation in which I could understand that there truly are people out there who want the best and aren’t there to hurt you. I wanted a family so badly and had already had one “failed” adoption. You knew this. I wanted a mom. You took me in, knowing I was broken and you loved me anyway. But what truly began the trail was your understanding that I needed more than the typical teenager. Your desire to be my mom, as similarly to your kids as you knew how to; the allowance of me to sleep in your daughter’s room instead of the basement just because I was afraid to sleep down there alone. The night you laid with me late into the night until I fell asleep, only to wake me the next morning to tell me that I could go to work with you instead of school.

To so many, these things seem so small and at the time, they felt small to me as well. But they were big…because you didn’t tell me to suck it up. You allowed me to regress to childlike behaviors in being scared of the dark. You sat with me as I trembled in fear from a night terror. I shut you out and you pressed on.

I shut my doors to you but faked my way into loving you. I made you gifts, included you in my dance talk, allowed you to go to my parent teacher conferences, hugged you when it hurt me, and told you time after time that I loved you when inside I wanted nothing more than to hurt you. We went to dance competitions together, you cheered me on during cheer try-outs. Outwardly, I allowed you to pamper me as if you were my mom. I allowed you to see that on the surface I could show love, but passively I wasn’t so pleasant. And these are the things that I blame myself in causing disruption to the adoption. I wonder, had I not expressed anything toward you would you have reacted the way you did when you found out I was unsure of being adopted? I wonder if you would have been so shocked to know that my loyalty was still to my mom and that I loved her more than anything.  Because of these behaviors, I wonder if I led you to believe a reality that wasn’t so, and when the true reality hit it was too much to handle…

I have to say that my time with you was well spent. It is the only adoptive family that took into consideration that I did come with sever trauma and that sometimes trauma doesn’t look pretty, even if you didn’t quite understand it. Yours was the only family that I think, with the proper help, could have been salvaged and worked out to be okay. I learned from you…I learned that I love to dance (my LIFE was dance), I love to be creative, I love horses, but mostly that not everyone in this world is a bad person. It took me a long time on the last but I am able now to at least let people help me.

You began a trail that without, I’m not sure I’d be as progressed in my healing as I am. By staying up that long night and letting me sleep upstairs you helped me to realize that sometimes it just takes reaching out…and reaching out is what I’ve done. I reached out to Bailey and because of that I now have Becca too. I have people who want to understand me and who try their darndest to crack my wall–and I’m becoming okay with it. I am able to sincerely let these guys know that they are important to me. I don’t have to fake my way through life to make make people believe that I’m a Polyanna-perfect, loving, awesome kid…because I’m not, and I don’t have to be. I am able to let Bailey or Becca rock me without putting up a fight. I can talk to Bailey, and sometimes Becca about the things that happened to me in past years and trust that they wont throw me away or think of me as less, most of the time. Thanks to you. Thanks to your determination to be the perfect mom. And in this thanks, I apologize for leading you astray and hanging you out to dry.  I’m okay that you threw me away…because without that, I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am today. I know you loved me and I get it…and this is why I’m okay with the adoption being disrupted.

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