To the voices inside my head,

Sometimes I wonder if you’ll ever go away; sometimes I fear that you’ll go away. You’ve been with me for as long as I can remember and the thought of losing you sends me into a frenzy.

People would argue that because of you, I’m schizophrenic…but they don’t understand. They don’t listen. They don’t understand that mom was schiz and that the difference is large..that hers can go away, mine do not because mine protect. Instead they try to drug me up and force you out… These are the types of people you caution me from. The people who have degrees and are too quick to medicate and too slow to listen…but then scratch their head in confusion when I tell them that the meds didn’t work. Together we walk out and I wonder if they will ever understand. Will they ever listen?

Not only have you protected me from the professionals, but death as well. You taught me how to survive in this world. You told me how  to handle people beating me. You took all of that in and have used it to prevent the same thing happening again. When I was little and taking care of my siblings, you taught me to love them but to not let them love me because somehow you knew that one day we wouldn’t be together. You knew that one day, things would fall apart and your job would increase…and to prevent them from loving me meant making your job less painful.

For each girl you have instilled in her the ability to seek out the good and turn heads at the bad. Some choose differently, but you taught them that good is possible. You encouraged each, within their own ability, to survive if one failed at protecting me. You joined them in a team with you to keep me safe, no matter what the circumstance may be/have been. You didn’t realize that in teaching the girls to seek the good, you would put your job in jeopardy of being taken.

You’ve taught me to be weary of compliment. To watch my back in every step I take, because this world can be a dangerous place. You still do your best to protect me…to keep me from possible heartache…by telling me things that make me believe that I am not able to be inside a relationship safely.

To protect me, you, and the girls, you have created a habit of asking, or demanding, that I hurt the people closest to me–sometimes physically–before they can hurt me. You remind me of the things my parents told me as a young child in attempt to make me realize that people can be cruel and that not everyone see’s the value in each other. And in each attempt you make to protect me, I fight. I refuse to listen. I try to shut you out so that I can’t hear you, so that I don’t have to fight the desire already planted inside of me to walk away. When you tell me to hurt someone, I tell you to shut up that you’re not needed. When you tell me I’m worthless I let it sink in and take it to heart that I really am worthless, that no one wants me, and that I’m good for nothing–but I’m not sure those are the messages you are trying to get out…because for so long, you taught me how to live, to survive, in a world that I didn’t belong.

I never used to fight you. I used to trust that you knew what was best for me. I lost sight of that. In the last 3 years, you and I have been on odd terms. It’s been a very love hate relationship. You’ve worked your hardest, cautioning me to be weary of what I walk into, and I’ve gone against all of it trying to shut you out. Now that I finally have people who love me the way you taught me to love my siblings, you are scared. You don’t want to go away, nor do I want you to, and you feel as though Bailey and Becca are taking your place. You feel as though they are replacing you in the ability to keep me safe and take care of me and that I’m allowing to let that happen. You are right, I have fought to let that happen…and I’m sorry.

For so many years I’ve wanted someone, in the flesh and blood, to have my best interest in their hearts and to fight for it no matter the trouble it caused them. When we sought and found Bailey and Becca, I finally felt like this dream was going to become a reality. But it’s not. NO ONE can protect me in the ways that you have. They love me, yes. They protect me. They make sure that I’m okay and that I am safe. They do all that you do, they just do it differently. They do it in unison with you. Trust ME when I say that neither of them want to take your place. They want to work with you, with me, and with the girls to create safety and peace in my life…but I’ve not allowed that because in fighting you, I fight them. I fight everyone and leave myself utterly alone. In fighting your warnings, I tell myself that you are wrong that you no longer have my best interest in mind but rather you just want to hurt everyone that is close to me. Thanks for protecting me in that way.

I thank you for the work that you do now, that you care enough to want to keep me safe. After tonight’s battle with Bailey, I agree, love is scary. It’s uncomfortable at times too…but it’s okay. It’s the working passed the rough spots like tonight that really matter…and in working together, you and I, I think that this rough patch can end.  For so long, you’ve kept me safe. You’ve protected me from life..and now I ask, Can we change the approach we take in protecting ourself a bit? Can we take away the blood and gore? Lets work together to learn what this life, without hate, can be. Me, you,the girls, Bailey, Becca, and Leslie… lets all work together. I promise you that I will not allow them to take your place. You will always have a place in me. You will always be my protector….but there’s a saying, “it takes a village to raise a child”..lets create our village with the people here that we know are safe and move forward. I’m sure together we will go far and for the both of us, I think it will be nice to not fight so much. Thank you again for helping me through the past 22 years. You’ve done an amazing job.

PS: I’m glad you’re trauma related voices, not schizophrenic voices.

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3 thoughts on “A letter to myself

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